Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 7, 1999 - April 13, 1999 | Issue 35•13

Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested

TORRANCE, CA—Denny Marzano, a 28-year-old Torrance man, was arrested Monday for engaging in the type of behavior found in romantic comedies. Marzano was taken into custody after violating a restraining order filed against him by Kellie Hamilton, 25, an attractive, unmarried kindergarten teacher who is new to the L.A. area. According to Hamilton, Marzano has stalk...

Christ Converts To Islam

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | News

JERUSALEM—Jesus announced that Allah has revealed Himself to Him through the holy words of the Quran. more»
WB Targets Booming U.S. Prison Population With New Sitcom

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | News

LOS ANGELES—Responding to the explosive growth of the U.S. prison population, WB executives announced Monday that the network will soon launch a... more»
Community Bands Together To Get Through Lesbian-Gym-Teacher Crisis

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | News

BENTON, NE—They say adversity brings people closer together. They say hardship only strengthens the ties that bind. more»
Enchanted Spatula Can Only Be Used To Flip Food By One Who Is Pure In Thought And Deed

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | News

SOUTHFIELD, MI—Management at Grandma's Family Restaurant in Southfield is still awaiting the arrival of The Foretold One, the short-order cook who... more»
Clinton Pours Malt Liquor On Ground For Dead Homies

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—At a moving Rose Garden ceremony Monday, President Clinton poured a 40-ounce bottle of King Cobra malt liquor on the ground in honor... more»
Despite Claims, Long Story Not Made Short

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | News In Brief

SCHENECTADY, NY—Contrary to her pre-account vow, area resident Barb Schuyler's long story of how a series of cashier foul-ups at the grocery store... more»
Van's Rocking Motion Discourages Would-Be Knocker

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | News In Brief

YUMA, AZ—The steady, back-and-forth motions of a 1979 Ford Econoline van sent "a clear message" to local resident Paul Dunne Monday, discouraging... more»
Salvation Air Force Collecting Used Planes In Your Area

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | News In Brief

ALEXANDRIA, VA—The Salvation Air Force put out an urgent call to U.S. aviators Monday, urging them to bring any used or unwanted aircraft to their... more»
Connect Four-Playing Sis Pretty Sneaky

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | News In Brief

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Losing Connect Four player Tony Franck denounced his sis as "pretty sneaky" following her diagonal connection of four during a... more»
Kodak, Nabisco Apologize For Drunken One-Night Merger

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | News In Brief

ROCHESTER, NY—Kodak CEO George Fisher apologized to shareholders Monday for a drunken one-night merger with Nabisco. "We kind of lost track of how... more»
Secretary Of Education Given Something To Do

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | News In Photos
New Instant Lottery Game Features Three Ways To Win, 19,839,947 Ways To Lose

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | News In Photos
A Shocking Turn Of Events

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | Columnists

Having nearly been shot to pieces by an impudent member of the yeoman class, Standish and I fled in terror across the valley. I ask you, what-ever... more»
You Won't Believe The Day I Had!

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | Columnists

Have you ever had one of those days? You know, a day when nothing seems to go right? Now, far be it from your old pal Jean to be a Gloomy Gloria who... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: A Well-Informed Populace Is Vital To The Operation Of A Democracy vs. Dixie Chicks Fever Sweeps America!

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | Point-Counterpoint

If America is to have any hope of one day becoming a true democracy, its populace must be better informed. And if this is to happen, the media must... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 7, 1999

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | Horoscopes

It's not that people won’t care when they see you get hit by a bus. It's just that they know an attention-getting ploy when they see one. more»
Practicing Safe Computing

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | Infographic

The "Melissa" e-mail virus, which last week temporarily disabled more than 100,000 computers across the U.S., has sparked discussion of the issue of... more»
What Part Of "I'm Not Interested" Do U.S. Telemarketers Not Understand?

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | Statshot
The 10K Dow

issue 3513 | 04.07.99 | What Do You Think?

On March 29, the Dow Jones made history, closing above 10,000 points for the first time ever. What do you think about Wall Street's... more»