Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 14, 1999 - April 20, 1999 | Issue 35•14

Manifesto Coming Along Fine

LIBBY, MT—Ken Hausch, a Libby-area Luddite separatist and conspiracy theorist, announced Monday that his much-anticipated manifesto, My Lonely Battle Against The Mind-Control Slavery Of The...

Illiteracy: Could 4 A.M. Public-Service Ads Stop It?

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | News

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American People Ruled Unfit To Govern

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | News

The controversial decision, the first of its kind in the 210-year history of U.S. representative government, was, according to Justice David Souter,... more»
Area Man Confounded By Buffet Procedure

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | News

ERIE, PA—Don Turnbee was completely bewildered by standard buffet protocol at Ponderosa Tuesday. more»
Inspirational Nike Ad Gives Woman Courage To Reach Full Spending Potential

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | News

The ad, which aired during the ESPN2 broadcast of a women's tennis match, depicted a wheelchair-bound woman pushing herself up a steep mountain to... more»
Efforts Of World's 16 Billion Chickens Still Not Adding Up To Much

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | News In Brief

OMAHA, NE—According to a U.S. Poultry Council report released Monday, the collective efforts of the world's 16 billion chickens have yet to yield... more»
Husband Calls For Greater Separation Of Church And Mate

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | News In Brief

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Citing a disruptive influence on the everyday operation of the Touhy home, Dennis Touhy called Monday for greater separation of New... more»
Don't Nobody Wanna Hear Area Man Run His Mouth

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | News In Brief

MACON, GA—According to a recent Gallup Poll, zero percent of Macon residents wanna hear area fool Ricky Baston run his mouth like a all-night bus,... more»
Listener Consumed By Spittle On Corner Of Mouth

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | News In Brief

DOWNERS GROVE, IL—The words of area resident Pete Fargas were lost Saturday on listener Lois Dumas, who was rendered unable to concentrate due to a... more»
Customer Awkwardly Accepts One Cent, Receipt

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | News In Brief

BERKELEY, CA—Coffeehouse patron Lenny Niyo awkwardly accepted one cent and a receipt Monday after purchasing a $1.99 biscotti. "It made me feel... more»
Breakroom Tension At All-Time High Following Mug Dispute

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | News In Brief

PHOENIX—Diplomatic measures have failed to ease breakroom tension following Monday's latest mug dispute between Southwest DataTech employees Iris... more»
Russian Nuclear Weapons Laid Out For Sale On Sidewalk

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | News In Photos
Cast Of 60 Minutes Suffers Collective Stroke

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | News In Photos
Today's Women Don't Like It When You Come To Them As A Bull Or Swan

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | Commentary

You know, back in the old days, I really had a way with the ladies. Back then, if I wanted to pick up a woman, all I had to do was approach her in my... more»
Destination: Another Level

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | Columnists

Baby, you are the one true love of my life. You are the one I dream about both night and day. You are the one who lights the fire of my desire. Also,... more»
A Thrilling Climax

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | Columnists

Last week, I told you how Standish and I had happened upon my vast fortune in a clearing in the middle of a forest. My joy at finding my precious... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 14, 1999

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | Horoscopes

The stars were considering warning you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself. more»
E-Trading On The Rise

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | Infographic

A soaring percentage of Wall Street investing is being done over the Internet. Why is e-trading becoming so popular? more»
What Are We Hoping And Praying No One Ever Finds Out About?

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | Statshot
Send In The Ground Troops

issue 3514 | 04.14.99 | What Do You Think?

With air attacks proving ineffective against the Serbs, the possibility of sending ground troops into Kosovo is being discussed. What do you... more»