Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 21, 1999 - April 27, 1999 | Issue 35•15

Police Baffled By Bottle-Shaped Paper Bag

BRIDGEPORT, CT—Local police officials are "utterly baffled" by a bottle-shaped paper bag that local resident Jimmy Kilty held while sitting on an East Side strip-mall bench Monday. "It's a real mystery," said Sgt. Ted Vittorio of the Bridgeport Police Department. "Judging from the way he kept putting the paper bag up to his mouth, you'd think he was drinking...

Clinton Takes Leave Of Office To Stand In Line For Star Wars: Episode I

issue 3515 | 04.21.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing "America's unprecedented prosperity and stability" and "this one part where this ship is underwater and this sea-monster... more»
Neighbors Confront Alcoholic Child-Abuser About His Lawn

issue 3515 | 04.21.99 | News

ARLINGTON, TX—Child-beater Glen Oberst's unkempt lawn and untrimmed hedges have caused alarm among his neighbors. more»
McDonald's Employee Just In It For The Money

issue 3515 | 04.21.99 | News

SHREVEPORT, LA—Sean Boyce, 22, cares more about getting his paycheck than dedicating himself to his craft. more»
Horrible Bitch Of An Ex-Girlfriend Missed Terribly

issue 3515 | 04.21.99 | News

SAN JOSE, CA—More than four months after the couple's break-up, Jeff Knolpe continues to miss total hell-bitch Amanda Moret terribly, it was... more»
Stuff On Floor

issue 3515 | 04.21.99 | News In Brief

LODI, NJ—The moist, brownish pile on the Gehrke living-room floor is either cat food or cat shit, it was reported Monday. "If I had to guess, I'd... more»
Computer Analyst Unable To Fashion Crude Tools, Grind Wheat

issue 3515 | 04.21.99 | News In Brief

SEATTLE—According to reports, computer analyst Isaac Glenn, who earns $120,000 a year organizing and upgrading computer networks, does not know how... more»
Conga-Line Participant Beckons Ominously

issue 3515 | 04.21.99 | News In Brief

VISALIA, CA—Wedding attendee Marc Spanos was badly shaken Saturday when a conga-line participant ominously beckoned him to join the grim,... more»
Area Man Doesn't Look Jewish

issue 3515 | 04.21.99 | News In Brief

ATLANTA—According to surprised neighbors, area resident Adam Brown doesn't look Jewish. "It's weird," said Kathleen Purdie, who recently learned of... more»
HBO Presentation Fails To Deliver Promised 'Brief Nudity'

issue 3515 | 04.21.99 | News In Brief

JACKSON, MS—As far as local resident Nate Childress can tell, the "brief nudity" promised in the HBO original movie Total Disclosure was not... more»
Hasbro Pledges Additional 30 Marbles For Hippo-Hunger Relief

issue 3515 | 04.21.99 | News In Brief

PAWTUCKET, RI—With global famine worsening, Hasbro pledged an additional 30 white marbles Monday to hippo-hunger relief efforts. "To see those... more»
Data-Entry Clerk Reapplies Carmex At 17-Minute Intervals

issue 3515 | 04.21.99 | News In Photos
New History Textbook Makes Hatred Of History Come Alive For Students

issue 3515 | 04.21.99 | News In Photos
You Know, I Used To Be Kind Of Cool Once

issue 3515 | 04.21.99 | Commentary

You know how, every so often, something you haven't thought about in the longest time will just sort of pop up out of nowhere, and all of a sudden... more»
The Anti-Climax

issue 3515 | 04.21.99 | Columnists

Well, John Law had caught up with us at last. His gun drawn, the sheriff's deputy told us that a farmer had alerted him of our presence. more»
Horoscope for the week of April 21, 1999

issue 3515 | 04.21.99 | Horoscopes

Stop yourself from gaining weight: Wrap your midriff in aluminum foil to block the CIA’s orbital stomach-control lasers. more»
Matrix Mania

issue 3515 | 04.21.99 | Infographic

Grossing $73 million in its first two weeks, The Matrix is blowing away all challengers at the box office. Why is the film such a hit? more»
Nastiest Shit In U.S. Refrigerators

issue 3515 | 04.21.99 | Statshot
The Return Of SDI

issue 3515 | 04.21.99 | What Do You Think?

Alarmed by the development of nuclear weapons in China, North Korea, Iran and Iraq, Congress recently approved a scaled-back version of the 'Star... more»