Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 28, 1999 - May 4, 1999 | Issue 35•16

Area Man Unafraid To Try New Snacks

HUNTSVILLE, AL—Barry Hodge, a 37-year-old Huntsville resident and assistant shoe-store manager, has no fear of trying new or unfamiliar snack-food items, it was reported Monday. "I don't know what it is about me, but I've never been afraid to try new things," Hodge said. "Remember when they put the crisped rice in the middle of M&Ms last year? I wasn't scared....

NYPD Apologizes For Accidental Shooting-Clubbing-Stabbing-Firebombing Death

issue 3516 | 04.28.99 | News

NEW YORK—New York City police commissioner Howard Safir issued a formal apology Monday for the accidental shooting-clubbing- stabbing-firebombing-... more»
Alternate-Universe James Hetfield Named Taco Bell Employee Of The Month

issue 3516 | 04.28.99 | News

LABREA, CA—Parallel-reality sources say Hetfield has been praised for promptness, courteousness, and professionalism. more»
Nation Impressed By Large Pair Of Breasts

issue 3516 | 04.28.99 | News

Amid escalating war in the Balkans, tragedy in Colorado and rising global economic instability, the nation voiced its broadbased approval of a pair... more»
Social Security System Overhauled To Provide 'Early-Death Incentives'

issue 3516 | 04.28.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Overwhelmed by a dearth of funds and a glut of recipients, the Social Security Administration unveiled a new "Early-Death Incentives... more»
Area Film Buff Wondering What Pauline Kael Would Say About Cookie's Fortune

issue 3516 | 04.28.99 | News In Brief

DAYTON, OH—Sources reported Monday that Keith Kuenn, a 34-year-old Dayton film buff, is wondering what former New Yorker movie critic... more»
Eggs Good For You This Week

issue 3516 | 04.28.99 | News In Brief

BOSTON—According to a Northeastern University study released Monday, eggs—discovered last week by a University of California-Santa Cruz study to... more»
Greenspan Just Repeating Detractors' Criticisms In High-Pitched Girly Voice

issue 3516 | 04.28.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Fed up after years of criticism, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is now just parroting the words of detractors in a... more»
So-Called 'Giant' Mouse Actually Baby Kangaroo

issue 3516 | 04.28.99 | News In Brief

TACOMA, WA—An article in the latest issue of the journal Nature revealed that the fabled "Giant Mouse Of Tacoma" is actually a baby... more»
Peripheral Acquaintance Casually Mentions She Was Molested

issue 3516 | 04.28.99 | News In Brief

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—Area resident Doug Spengler was taken aback Friday when acquaintance and fellow partygoer Dianne Liston casually mentioned to... more»
259 New Objects Now Available In Gummi Form

issue 3516 | 04.28.99 | News In Photos
Jonathan Lipnicki To Star As Young 'Dark Helmet' In Spaceballs Prequel

issue 3516 | 04.28.99 | News In Photos
I'm Totally Psyched About This Abortion!

issue 3516 | 04.28.99 | Commentary

I know, I know, I've heard all the arguments: Abortion stops a beating heart. It's a child, not a choice. Every life is precious. Well, I don't care... more»
A Satisfactory Denouement

issue 3516 | 04.28.99 | Columnists

Last week, I described how, upon losing my stolen fortune in an ambush, I was kidnapped by the villainous Black Scarlet, who spirited me off to an... more»
I Got A Birthday Coming Up!

issue 3516 | 04.28.99 | Columnists

Hola amigos. How does it hang? I know it's been a long time since I last rapped at ya, but I've been buried under a whole heap of shit. First off, I... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 28, 1999

issue 3516 | 04.28.99 | Horoscopes

You will discover an unfortunate downside to eating too many of those scrumptious, non-fat sleeping pills. more»
NATO's 50th Anniversary

issue 3516 | 04.28.99 | Infographic

This past weekend, dignitaries from around the world gathered in Washington, D.C. to celebrate the 50th anniversary of NATO's founding. What were... more»
Top U.S. High-School Locker-Room Torture Techniques

issue 3516 | 04.28.99 | Statshot
Talking Tax Reform

issue 3516 | 04.28.99 | What Do You Think?

Tax season was recently upon us once again, and with it came widespread calls for reform, including simpler forms and a more streamlined filing... more»