Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 5, 1999 - May 11, 1999 | Issue 35•17

Deterioration Of Bauhaus T-Shirt Symbolizes End Of Era For Local Man

SOUTHFIELD, MI—Sadness, loss and the dull ache of acceptance were just some of the feelings experienced by 29-year-old suburban homeowner and father-to-be Jeff Struck Monday after unearthing a deteriorated Bauhaus T-shirt from his fondly remembered college days. "You can barely read the part on the back where it says 'Bela Lugosi's Dead' any more," said Struck, who...

Creditors Repossess New England From Debt-Ridden U.S.

issue 3517 | 05.05.99 | News

"They've been giving us the runaround on this money for a long time now, so we had no choice," said Victor Migliore of the Bayonne, NJ-based... more»
Brutality-Desensitization Process Nearly Complete

issue 3517 | 05.05.99 | News

CAMBRIDGE, MA—The desensitization of U.S. citizens to acts of brutal violence—an ongoing process by which Americans become increasingly inured to... more»
Area Friend's Artwork Totally Amazing

issue 3517 | 05.05.99 | News

BOZEMAN, MT—Tony Eisen's friend's work deals with madness and altered consciousness and all this other totally out-there stuff. more»
Eleven-Year-Old Used As Human Shield In Dodgeball Game

issue 3517 | 05.05.99 | News In Brief

SPARTANBURG, SC—The U.N. is condemning the actions of Spartanburg fifth-grader Joshua Fife, who on Monday violated the terms of the 1949 Geneva... more»
Senior-Center Residents Debate New Anchorwoman's Ethnicity For Fifth Straight Evening

issue 3517 | 05.05.99 | News In Brief

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Ferndale Senior Center residents debated new Channel 27 Action News anchorwoman Sonya Luntz's ethnicity for a fifth straight day... more»
Nation's Legislators Resume Unfettered Whoring

issue 3517 | 05.05.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—The Clinton-Lewinsky scandal safely behind them, members of Congress are finally clear to resume their unfettered whoring, Beltway... more»
Universe Ends As God Wakes Up Next To Suzanne Pleshette

issue 3517 | 05.05.99 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—The 15-billion-year-old universe came to a surprise-twist end Tuesday, when God woke up next to actress Suzanne Pleshette. "What a crazy... more»
Record-Store Clerk Gazes Down From On High In Aloof Indifference

issue 3517 | 05.05.99 | News In Brief

AUSTIN, TX—Lording a full 14 inches over the miserable, vulgar wretches who roam the aisles of Dave's Discs, record-store clerk Bryce Lukas... more»
Aliens Mourn As Final Cheers Episode Reaches Alpha Centauri

issue 3517 | 05.05.99 | News In Photos
Leg Man Also An Arms Buff

issue 3517 | 05.05.99 | News In Photos
I Don't Even Remember Writing The Tommyknockers

issue 3517 | 05.05.99 | Commentary

So, I'm doing this book signing for The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon at the Barnes & Noble on Manhattan's Upper West Side last week, and this... more»
Home At Last

issue 3517 | 05.05.99 | Columnists

For the first time in several months, I woke to find my-self back in my dank, urine-smelling bed-chamber at the Zweibel Estate. How glorious a sight... more»
Pamela Sue Is Going Au Natural!

issue 3517 | 05.05.99 | Columnists

Item! Pamela Sue Anderson Lee is all over the news again! Devoted Harveyheads may recall that about six months ago, I reported that the former... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 5, 1999

issue 3517 | 05.05.99 | Horoscopes

Certain events of this week will serve to correct your misconception that salt is a good thing to rub in wounds. more»
The Anti-Obesity Drug

issue 3517 | 05.05.99 | Infographic

On April 26, the FDA approved Xenical, a revolutionary new anti-obesity drug. How does it work? more»
Most Dangerous Rock Songs

issue 3517 | 05.05.99 | Statshot
Are Parents Responsible?

issue 3517 | 05.05.99 | What Do You Think?

In the wake of the April 20 massacre at Columbine High School, many are calling for charges to be filed against the parents of the two killers for... more»