Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 12, 1999 - May 18, 1999 | Issue 35•18

Area Man Goes And Gets Himself Hit By A Goddamn Bus

HARRISBURG, PA—Area resident Dwayne Pafko, 27, went out and got his ass totally creamed by a big old bus Monday. "There he was, just walkin' out into the middle of the road like a goddamned idiot, when all of a sudden this huge-ass bus comes along and... blammo!" said eyewitness Mario Loyola, smacking his fist into his palm to illustrate his account of the accident....

Tornado Violence: Are Tornadic Images In The Media To Blame?

issue 3518 | 05.12.99 | News

DEL CITY, OK—It's been almost two weeks now, but life still hasn't returned to normal for the residents of this central Oklahoma town. It probably... more»
Telemarketing Industry Celebrates First Sale

issue 3518 | 05.12.99 | News

DALLAS—A dinner-hour sales pitch for big, big savings on magazines yielded the first ever sale for the industry. more»
Congressman Waits Until Last Minute To Write New Law

issue 3518 | 05.12.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The law turned in by Rep. Jim Leach was full of slipshod writing, convoluted logic, and questionable constitutionality. more»
Clinton Hurls Feces At Detractors

issue 3518 | 05.12.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Angered by criticism of his military strategy in Kosovo, President Clinton flung clods of his own excrement at White House reporters... more»
Roof Of Mouth In Serious Condition Following Cap'n Crunch Consumption

issue 3518 | 05.12.99 | News In Brief

SPRINGFIELD, MA—The roof of area resident Meredith Kjell's mouth is in serious condition Tuesday following her consumption of three bowls of Cap'n... more»
Crazed Loiterer Strikes Again

issue 3518 | 05.12.99 | News In Brief

DOVER, DE—Crazed fugitive loiterer Bob Puhl continued his six-month around-standing spree Tuesday, loitering in the Dover Public Library for more... more»
Hot Girl Mentions Boyfriend Three Hours Into Conversation

issue 3518 | 05.12.99 | News In Brief

PORTLAND, OR—After a stimulating three-hour conversation about personal philosophies, career aspirations and their shared passion for Thai food,... more»
Area Man Can't Remember Whether He Rented Mimic Or The Relic

issue 3518 | 05.12.99 | News In Brief

PETOSKEY, MI—Less than five hours after viewing one film or the other, area resident Chris Olle was unable to recall whether he rented Mimic... more»
Report: U.S. Children Lead World In Hand-Mouth Coordination

issue 3518 | 05.12.99 | News In Brief

UNITED NATIONS—A U.N. study released Monday reported that U.S. children rank first in the world in hand-mouth coordination. "American children can... more»
Destruction Of Rainforest Cafe Clears Room For New Hooters

issue 3518 | 05.12.99 | News In Photos
David Lee Roth Might As Well Jump

issue 3518 | 05.12.99 | News In Photos
Standish's Revelation

issue 3518 | 05.12.99 | Columnists

Back safe and secure in my estate, I was anxious to be reunited with my seven sons, U. Fairfax, V. Lucius, J. Phineas, R. Buckminster, G. Talmadge,... more»
Tha Autobiography Of Herbert K

issue 3518 | 05.12.99 | Columnists

What tha dilly yo, mah homies? Tha H-Dog be keepin' it real at Midstate Office Supply, still kickin' it hardcore as tha Mack Daddy Enforca of tha... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: Oooh, Mr. Smarty-Smart Is Talking! vs. I Was Told I Would Be Debating Former National Security Advisor Brent Scowcro

issue 3518 | 05.12.99 | Point-Counterpoint

Oooh, look at Mr. Smarty-Smart, talking about all the big, important things he knows. Look at me! I'm sooo smart. I'm smarter than everybody... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 12, 1999

issue 3518 | 05.12.99 | Horoscopes

You will soon be surrounded by medical personnel saying things like "Tzaarp!" "Ka-Blishzzht!" and "Flazzort!" in an effort to describe the sound of... more»
Planet Hollywood's Crash

issue 3518 | 05.12.99 | Infographic

Once a booming chain, Planet Hollywood has fallen on hard times of late, losing $238 million in 1998 and seeing its stock plummet from $32 to 81... more»
Top-Selling Fetish Magaines

issue 3518 | 05.12.99 | Statshot
The Return Of Flag Burning

issue 3518 | 05.12.99 | What Do You Think?

On April 29, the Senate Judiciary Committee voted 11-7 to send an anti-flag-burning amendment to the full Senate floor. What do you think... more»