Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 19, 1999 - May 25, 1999 | Issue 35•19

Assistant Manager Corrupted By Power

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Andrew Scelsa, promoted March 18 to assistant manager at the Sluman Road Denny's in Overland Park, is steadily becoming corrupted by his newfound power, sources within the family-style restaurant reported Monday. "Andy used to be a pretty laid-back guy," said prep cook Julian Podriewski, who was recently reprimanded by Scelsa for wearing...

New Television Show In The Works

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | News

BURBANK, CA—A possible new television program is "in the works," with preliminary meetings regarding a potential development deal with UPN "a... more»
Report: World's Nuclear Arsenal 'Pretty Much' Accounted For

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | News

UNITED NATIONS—The world's roughly 34,000 nuclear weapons are "pretty much" accounted for, according to a report released Monday by the U.N. more»
Red-Lace Nightie Portends Another Excruciating Night For Closeted Husband

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | News

CLARKSTON, GA—A red-lace nightgown, barely covering area resident Amanda Yetter's body, sent waves of dread through husband and closeted homosexual... more»
Painful Boil Still Too Unformed To Lance

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | News In Brief

BILLINGS, MT—A throbbing boil on the neck of Art Krenchicki is not quite ready for lancing, the 47-year-old Billings man reported Monday. "Just a... more»
Area Woman Has Already Figured Out Who Killed The Vicar

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | News In Brief

GREENSBORO, NC—Only three chapters into the Barbara Nelson Scott mystery thriller All Saints' Day, reader Mary Toback has already deduced... more»
Local Man Puts Rehab Behind Him

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | News In Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—After a harrowing three-year battle with drug-addiction recovery, area resident Scott Fedorisko finally put rehab behind him Monday.... more»
Dean Cain Fanpage Last Updated 8/14/96

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | News In Brief

MONROE, MI—The Monroe-based "I Love Dean Cain" website, dedicated to providing up-to-the-minute information on actor Dean Cain, was last updated in... more»
Milosevic Dreams He's Slaughtering Ethnic Albanians In His Underwear

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | News In Brief

BELGRADE, YUGOSLAVIA—In an incident he described as "really freaky," Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic dreamed he was ordering the slaughter of... more»
Gore Excited After Seeing Self On TV

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Hours after seeing himself at the funeral of King Gustaf III of Denmark on ABC World News Tonight, an excited Al Gore called... more»
La-Z-Boy Outlet Clearly Visible From Suburban Man's Grave

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | News In Photos
Co-Worker's Drawer Filled With Toffee

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | News In Photos
I Wish I Were Pretty

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | Commentary

All my friends tell me I've got a lot going for me. And I guess, deep down, I know they're right. After all, I'm smart, talented and extremely... more»
Booked Solid

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | Columnists

I'm such an expert at procrastination, I finally got around to making my 1999 New Year's Resolution last week! But once you hear it, you'll forgive... more»
Too Many Plutocrats

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | Columnists

I am tired of complicated things happening in my life. It means I am obliged to explain them in the next week's Message, and that I must not forget... more»
Ask A Former Touring Drummer For The Pointer Sisters

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | Advice

Jeff Aufiero is a professional drummer whose weekly syndicated advice column, Ask A Former Touring Drummer For The Pointer Sisters, appears in... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 19, 1999

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | Horoscopes

Everything you attempt this week will end in failure, which is a considerable improvement over that one week last year when everything ended in... more»
Star Wars Mania

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | Infographic

The top-grossing movie series in history, the Star Wars saga continues this week with the long-awaited release of Episode I--The Phantom... more»
Unpublished Shel Silverstein Books

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | Statshot
Worsening Tensions With China

issue 3519 | 05.19.99 | What Do You Think?

Rocky military relations between the U.S. and China only worsened with NATO's accidental May 7 bombing of the Chinese embassy in Belgrade. What do... more»