Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 26, 1999 - June 1, 1999 | Issue 35•20

Backpack-Laden Student Trudges Slack-Jawed Past Wonders Of Ancient World

ATHENS, GREECE—Iowa State sophomore Dylan Schumacher trudged pathetically past some of the most wondrous achievements of ancient Mediterranean civilization Tuesday, all but unaware of the magnificent cultural splendor surrounding him on all sides. "Greece is, like, so awesome," said the oblivious Schumacher, who is ironically considering a history major. "Last night...

Society For Creative Anachronism Seizes Control Of Russia

issue 3520 | 05.26.99 | News

MOSCOW—Official reports from the Kremlin Tuesday confirmed that the Society for Creative Anachronism, a group of medieval-wargames hobbyists,... more»
8-Year-Old Accidentally Exercises Second Amendment Rights

issue 3520 | 05.26.99 | News

NORFOLK, VA—Gun owners nationwide are applauding the patriotic, though accidental, exercise of Second Amendment rights by 8-year-old Timothy... more»
Shopping Mall Opens With Help Of Richard Dean Anderson

issue 3520 | 05.26.99 | News

ALBANY, OR—Shopping for brand-name merchandise at everyday low prices became easier for the greater Albany area Saturday, as the new Westvale Mall... more»
Portrait Of Nude, Bleeding Man Hung On School Wall

issue 3520 | 05.26.99 | News In Brief

BOISE, ID—As a reminder of God's abundant and undying love for them, a portrait of a nearly naked, bleeding man was hung in full view of students... more»
Hypothetical Cat Simultaneously Dead And Alive, Physicists Say

issue 3520 | 05.26.99 | News In Brief

SYRACUSE, NY—In a turn of events that has baffled students of quantum mechanics for more than half a century, a hypothetical cat was suspended in a... more»
Teen Publication Takes Bold Anti-Peer-Pressure Stance

issue 3520 | 05.26.99 | News In Brief

ANAHEIM, CA—TeenPulse, a monthly publication targeted at 13- to- 17-year-olds nationwide, shocked industry insiders by espousing a... more»
Shit Parking Ticket Fuck

issue 3520 | 05.26.99 | News In Brief

FUCKIN' DOWNTOWN—After stopping for like 10 goddamn minutes at the west-side post office, local resident Dave Shore got a motherfucking parking... more»
Study: American Spiritual Epiphanies Increasingly Juice-Based

issue 3520 | 05.26.99 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—American spiritual epiphanies are becoming increasingly juice-based, according to a report released Tuesday by the UCLA Department of... more»
Area Man Does Indeed Belong At Applebee's

issue 3520 | 05.26.99 | News In Photos
Meanwhile...

issue 3520 | 05.26.99 | News In Photos
You Want A Piece Of Me?

issue 3520 | 05.26.99 | Commentary

Hey, you! Yeah, you. I see you standing over there with the hungry look in your eye. Something bothering you? Something gnawing at your gut? Huh? You... more»
Taking Care Of Business

issue 3520 | 05.26.99 | Columnists

After I returned from the Zweibel Estate following several months of wandering in the cruel wilderness, I found that my study was full to bursting... more»
Ask A Gym Teacher Who Got Stuck Teaching Sex Ed

issue 3520 | 05.26.99 | Advice

Gary Fenske is a middle-school physical-education teacher whose weekly syndicated advice column, Ask A Gym Teacher Who Got Stuck Teaching Sex... more»
New Drug Sources

issue 3520 | 05.26.99 | Infographic

More and more Americans are turning to 800 numbers or the Internet for such prescriptions as Viagra, Propecia and the new diet aid Xenical. Why are... more»
What's on our TV trays?

issue 3520 | 05.26.99 | Statshot
Vehicular Search And Seizure

issue 3520 | 05.26.99 | What Do You Think?

Last week, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that police do not need a warrant to search or seize a vehicle in a public place. What do you... more»