Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 2, 1999 - June 8, 1999 | Issue 35•21

Led Zeppelin Bumper Stickers Now Probable Cause For Vehicular Search In 13 States

SPRINGFIELD, IL—With the state legislature's passage of a bill last week allowing police officers to cite Led Zeppelin bumper stickers as probable cause for a vehicular search, Illinois became the 13th state to recognize classic-rock-related automobile decorations as grounds for waiver of a warrant. "We've known for years that there was a direct correlation...

Millions and Millions Dead

issue 3521 | 06.02.99 | News

As the body count continues to rise, a shaken nation is struggling to cope in the wake of the mass deaths sweeping the world population. With no... more»
Importance Of Education Given Valuable Lip Service

issue 3521 | 06.02.99 | News

BLOOMINGTON, IN—In a speech before constituents at Indiana University Tuesday, U.S. Rep. Dan Burton (R-IN) paid much-needed lip service to the... more»
Area Daughter Wearing Next To Nothing

issue 3521 | 06.02.99 | News

ATHENS, GA—Anger, shock, and feelings of intense awkwardness were just some of the reactions in the Helstein household Tuesday as Jeremy Helstein,... more»
Celebrity Killed In Mid-Air 747 Collision

issue 3521 | 06.02.99 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Actor Conrad Janis, best known as Pam Dawber's father on the popular television program Mork & Mindy, is believed among the... more»
Daddy Hitting Mommy With A Chair This Time

issue 3521 | 06.02.99 | News In Brief

MURFREESBORO, TN—Noises coming from the living room indicate that Daddy is hitting Mommy with a chair this time, way-back-in-the-closet sources... more»
Monster At End Of Book Claims Life Of TV's Grover

issue 3521 | 06.02.99 | News In Brief

SESAME STREET—Tragedy struck this peaceful, educational New York neighborhood Saturday when a horrible, scary monster dismembered and devoured... more»
Area Man Lies Awake At Night Worrying About Toner Cartridges

issue 3521 | 06.02.99 | News In Brief

SECAUCUS, NJ—For the third night in a row, office manager Kenneth Browning lay awake until 4 a.m. Monday, thinking about the possibility of a... more»
Money Continues To Pour In To Some Undesignated Far-Off Point Somewhere

issue 3521 | 06.02.99 | News In Brief

FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HERE—With the U.S. economy booming for the ninth straight year, money continues to pour into some undesignated far-off point... more»
Jew-Sponsored Stock Car Booed Off Track

issue 3521 | 06.02.99 | News In Photos

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Nursing Home Patient Glad She's Going Home Tomorrow Every Day

issue 3521 | 06.02.99 | News In Photos
Louis Lapham Went Way Over The Line This Time

issue 3521 | 06.02.99 | Commentary

I hope you don't mind, but I've really got to blow off a little steam after reading editor Lewis Lapham's "Notebook" column in the June issue of... more»
Down With The League Of Nations

issue 3521 | 06.02.99 | Columnists

This blasted League Of Nations folly is about what I'd expect from that devious bastard President Wilson, meddling in foreign affairs when he should... more»
Baby, Don't Go

issue 3521 | 06.02.99 | Columnists

Baby, we were so close to reuniting. I beg you not to leave me now. more»
Horoscope for the week of June 2, 1999

issue 3521 | 06.02.99 | Horoscopes

The stars would give you a horoscope, but you dropped the ball last week when you failed to meet a dark, handsome stranger. This is a two-way street,... more»
Getting Milosevic

issue 3521 | 06.02.99 | Infographic

A top-secret plan to destabilize Slobodan Milosevic's regime surfaced last week, with Newsweek reporting that President Clinton authorized the... more»
Least Qualified U.S. Daycares

issue 3521 | 06.02.99 | Statshot
Presidential Pay Hike

issue 3521 | 06.02.99 | What Do You Think?

At a hearing on Capitol Hill last week, Congress was urged to approve a spending bill which would double the president's salary to $400,000 per year,... more»