Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 9, 1999 - June 15, 1999 | Issue 35•22

Wacky Morning DJ Faces Crisis Of Journalistic Ethics

OAK PARK, IL—Controversy embroiled Oak Park's Q102 FM Morning Zoo Tuesday, when wacky morning DJ "Madman" Mike Antony claimed that a proposed on-location promotional broadcast at the Bob Adler Chrysler/Plymouth auto dealership would contradict the ethics of broadcast...

Clinton Injected With Highly Unstable Experimental Growth Serum

issue 3522 | 06.09.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Forced to take desperate measures in a last-minute attempt to avert disaster and save the free world, President Clinton ordered top... more»
Nation Demands Easier Instructions

issue 3522 | 06.09.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Decrying needlessly confusing directions for the use and assembly of countless products, citizens across the nation are organizing... more»
Hall Monitor Pushed Into Girls' Restroom

issue 3522 | 06.09.99 | News

MILFORD, CT—Sixth-grader Alex Greibe tumbled into a disorienting trip to a place no sixth-grade boy had ever been before. more»
Woodstock '99 Revenue Projections Displayed On Multi-Colored, Laminated Boards Somewhere In L.A.

issue 3522 | 06.09.99 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Revenue projections for Woodstock '99 were recently displayed on laminated, multi-colored boards somewhere in L.A., it can safely be... more»
Guatemalan Earthquake Registers 0.3 On Area Man's Consciousness

issue 3522 | 06.09.99 | News In Brief

PEORIA, IL—A massive earthquake with a current death toll of 206 hit Antigua, Guatemala Tuesday, registering 0.3 on the consciousness of local... more»
Mrs. Butterworth's Bottle Central To Terrifying LSD Experience

issue 3522 | 06.09.99 | News In Brief

ATHENS, GA—An anthropomorphic container of Mrs. Butterworth's-brand maple syrup took on nightmarish qualities for University of Georgia sophomore... more»
Area Man Refuses To Accept Bus-Route Change

issue 3522 | 06.09.99 | News In Brief

LUBBOCK, TX—After three years of catching the bus to work at the corner of 4th and Houston, area resident Willard Dawes refused to accept the... more»
Everyone Doing It, Schoolyard Sources Allege

issue 3522 | 06.09.99 | News In Brief

CHESAPEAKE, VA—According to top-level schoolyard sources, everyone is doing it. "Come on, we all do it," an older kid said Tuesday, speaking on... more»
Police Seize 250 Pounds of Mariuana Smoker

issue 3522 | 06.09.99 | News In Photos
Awards Given Out Randomly To Skinny Blonde Women

issue 3522 | 06.09.99 | News In Photos
I Believe The Robots Are Our Future

issue 3522 | 06.09.99 | Commentary

Though we live in uncertain times, we must not forget that the most important thing in life is the legacy we will leave behind for future... more»
A La Recherche Du Temps Stupide

issue 3522 | 06.09.99 | Columnists

I was recently informed that the Twentieth-Century is nearly at an end, which astonishes me, because it seems like just yesterday that I was toasting... more»
I'm Thinking About Cutting Back On The Weed

issue 3522 | 06.09.99 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. What's up? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a lot of problems lately. First off, I been slaving trying... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 9, 1999

issue 3522 | 06.09.99 | Horoscopes

Nothing will be able to stop you from developing an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, especially in the area of the nightly prime-time-television... more»
Cybercrime

issue 3522 | 06.09.99 | Infographic

Last week, computer hackers altered several U.S. government web sites, causing the temporary shutdown of Internet servers including those for the... more»
How are the nation's top financial advisors having their steaks done?

issue 3522 | 06.09.99 | Statshot
Gore For President

issue 3522 | 06.09.99 | What Do You Think?

Vice President Al Gore plans to formally announce his bid for the presidency on June 16. What do you think about Gore running in 2000? more»