Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 16, 1999 - June 22, 1999 | Issue 35•23

Busy, Busy Postindustrial Society

It's a fine day in Activeville! Everyone is hustling and bustling around, looking as if they have things to do! But you know what? They actually don't! Once upon a time, years and years ago, the citizens of Activeville did have many, many things to do—back when Activeville was the #1 manufacturer of chemically synthesized dyes and machine-tooled industrial parts in all of Happyland....

Nation's Experts Give Up

issue 3523 | 06.16.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—After years of frustration over being misunderstood or simply ignored, experts in every field tendered their resignation. more»
Deciding Vote On Wetlands Preservation Bill Rests With The Littlest Senator

issue 3523 | 06.16.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Congress narrowly passed the McCann-Hawkins Florida Wetlands Preservation Bill Tuesday, with the deciding vote coming from an... more»
White Family Moves To Town

issue 3523 | 06.16.99 | News

GLENCOE, IL—Shock, outrage and fear were just some of the emotions that failed to sweep through this affluent Chicago suburb Monday, when word got... more»
Totally Hot Chick Also Way Psycho

issue 3523 | 06.16.99 | News

ATHENS, GA—Heather Blake, a University of Georgia business major with unbelievably beautiful eyes and a totally killer body, is also way psycho,... more»
Senior Citizen Shaken By Diminished Bawdy-Limerick Recall

issue 3523 | 06.16.99 | News In Brief

OCALA, FL—Retiree Henry Sims, straining to remember the one about the lady from China, was deeply shaken Tuesday by his fading bawdy-limerick... more»
Clinton Vetoes Bill For Reason He Can't Put His Finger On

issue 3523 | 06.16.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing a variety of vague misgivings he "can't quite explain," President Clinton vetoed Monday H.R. 1556, a bill that would have... more»
Report: Media Coverage Of Bear Attacks May Be Biased

issue 3523 | 06.16.99 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—According to a report released Monday by the media-watchdog group Fairness and Accuracy In Reporting, U.S. media coverage of bear attacks... more»
Overweight Man Repeatedly Introduced To Overweight Woman At Party

issue 3523 | 06.16.99 | News In Brief

ALTOONA, PA—Over the course of a five-hour party Saturday, 315-pound Gene Cooper was introduced to 288-pound Cynthia Lerman nine times. "Once or... more»
Cast Of Space: 1999 Reunites For TV Movie Space: 1999 '99

issue 3523 | 06.16.99 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Twenty-five years after its 1974 debut, the science-fiction program Space: 1999 is returning to the airwaves this fall with the... more»
Birthplace Of President Carter Accidentally Visited

issue 3523 | 06.16.99 | News In Brief

PLAINS, GA—Lost en route to Albany, GA, vacationing couple Mark and Celia Winocur of Phoenix inadvertently visited the birthplace of former... more»
Star Wars Fan Collects All 48,720

issue 3523 | 06.16.99 | News In Photos
Pabst Drinker Celebrates Pabst Purchase With Pabst

issue 3523 | 06.16.99 | News In Photos
Pomp And Circumstance

issue 3523 | 06.16.99 | Columnists

Last week, the telephone-device in my bed-chamber sounded, and I nearly jumped out of my desiccated, paper-like skin. No-one ever summons me in my... more»
The Spartans Are Fags vs. The Spartans Did Indeed Engage In Homosexual Activity

issue 3523 | 06.16.99 | Point-Counterpoint

The Muncie Spartans are such total fucking fags, dude. That whole entire school is gay, but the guys on the football team are the biggest homos of... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 16, 1999

issue 3523 | 06.16.99 | Horoscopes

You need to achieve a sense of balance in life. If not, elemental forces beyond your control will send you constantly crashing to the ground. more»
The Sony Cyber-Pooch

issue 3523 | 06.16.99 | Infographic

Offered for sale exclusively over the Internet, Sony's new "Aibo"--a $2,500 robotic dog that can go for walks, wag it's tail and do tricks--recently... more»
America's Favorite Food Additives

issue 3523 | 06.16.99 | Statshot
Depression & The Second Lady

issue 3523 | 06.16.99 | What Do You Think?

Last week, former clinical-depression sufferer Tipper Gore held a conference at the White House to raise awareness of mental illness, from which she... more»