Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 23, 1999 - June 29, 1999 | Issue 35•24

Area Man's Life Slipping Away Even As He Reads This

GLENDALE, CA—The life of Greg Chelecki continues to slip away from him even as he reads this article, sources close to the 47-year-old insurance claims adjuster confirmed Monday. Though the range of opportunities available to Chelecki is constantly dwindling, there is reportedly nothing he can do to prevent his existence from slowly marching toward its inevitable...

Should The U.S. Impose Limits On Incredibly Stupid Shit?

issue 3524 | 06.23.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—With national stupid-shit consumption at an all-time high and federal shit projections indicating sharply rising levels of stupidity... more»
Aliens Demand More Positive Portrayal In The Media

issue 3524 | 06.23.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—A coalition of extraterrestrials representing some two trillion lifeforms across the five major planetary confederations descended... more»
Area Payroll Secretary Really Pushing Direct Deposit For Some Reason

issue 3524 | 06.23.99 | News

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Elaine Massey has vigorously championed the direct-deposit option, for reasons unknown to her coworkers. more»
Woman Pays Full Price For Carpet During One-Day-Only Non-Sale

issue 3524 | 06.23.99 | News In Brief

ELKHART, IN—In the first-ever non-special-sale offer in Carpetworld history, Elkhart shopper Bernadette Blake purchased 120 square feet of... more»
New VCR Made By Communists, Grandpa Alleges

issue 3524 | 06.23.99 | News In Brief

DOWNERS GROVE, IL—According to a report issued Tuesday by area grandfather Anderson Bresch, the Bresch family's new Gold Star VCR was built by... more»
Area Man Dead Of Fries

issue 3524 | 06.23.99 | News In Brief

MURFREESBORO, TN—Longtime fries sufferer Chuck Milner died Monday, succumbing to the fat- and cholesterol-laden side dish after a brave 53-year... more»
Robin Williams Still Missing After Three-Day Free-Association Binge

issue 3524 | 06.23.99 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Local police continued their search for Robin Williams Monday, three days after the movie star improvised himself off the set of the... more»
Greenspan To Play 15 Unannounced Small-Club Shows

issue 3524 | 06.23.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Fed chief Alan Greenspan announced Monday that he will make a series of 15 surprise appearances at small clubs this July and August.... more»
Painful Reminder Celebrates Fourth Birthday

issue 3524 | 06.23.99 | News In Photos
Inspirational Poster Kitten Falls To Death After 17 Years

issue 3524 | 06.23.99 | News In Photos
I Just Don't Trust The New Pastor Yet

issue 3524 | 06.23.99 | Commentary

Today marks exactly three months since Pastor Bufenkamp's retirement dinner. I've really been trying to be a good Christian and open up my heart to... more»
Has Leo Gotten Himself Hitched-O?

issue 3524 | 06.23.99 | Columnists

Item! Ladies, brace yourselves for some serious heartache. The word is, Hollywood hunk du jour (that's "of the day" for all you... more»
Ro-bot Monster

issue 3524 | 06.23.99 | Columnists

As a youth, I always envisioned that my older years would be fraught with peace and grace, and that I would sit under the shade of a sycamore tree in... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 23, 1999

issue 3524 | 06.23.99 | Horoscopes

It's time to come to terms with your less-than-perfect childhood. After all, you did get to meet Robin Ventura during his tour of minimum-security... more»
Austin Powers Mania

issue 3524 | 06.23.99 | Infographic

Grossing $55 million in its opening weekend and knocking Star Wars out of the top spot in the process, the Austin Powers sequel is a... more»
Least Visited Science Museum Exhibits

issue 3524 | 06.23.99 | Statshot
IDing Teens At The Movies

issue 3524 | 06.23.99 | What Do You Think?

Attempting to shield teens from violent imagery, U.S. cinema owners agreed last week to require young people to show photo IDs when buying tickets... more»