Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 22, 1999 - July 28, 1999 | Issue 35•25

Fundamentalist Aesopians Interpret Fox-Grapes Parable Literally

MONTGOMERY, AL—A controversial new bill pending before the Alabama Legislature has deeply divided the state along theological lines, sending right-wing fundamentalist Aesopians into an uproar. HR 1604, if passed, would broaden nutritional guidelines used in the state's school-lunch program, permitting a wider variety of fruits and vegetables to be served, including grapes, the consumption of...

World's Top Scientists Ponder: What If The Whole Universe Is, Like, One Huge Atom?

issue 3525 | 07.22.99 | News

PALO ALTO, CA—Gathering for what members of the international science community are calling "potentially the most totally out-to-lunch freaky head... more»
Area Mom Freaking Out For No Reason Again

issue 3525 | 07.22.99 | News

GALESBURG, IL—Area mother of three Mary Kleibert, 54, was once again freaking out for no reason Tuesday, sources within the Kleibert family... more»
Report: 89 Percent Of Citizens Still Believe In The American Dream Car

issue 3525 | 07.22.99 | News

PRINCETON, NJ—In poll findings which contradict the notion that traditional American values are dwindling, the Gallup Organization announced Monday... more»
Lookalike Couple Vaguely Disquieting

issue 3525 | 07.22.99 | News In Brief

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Friends and family of Russell Tonelli are expressing a "creepy sort of unease" at the distinct visual similarities between the... more»
God Provides Gift To Women In Form Of Marketing Analyst Bradley Ennis

issue 3525 | 07.22.99 | News In Brief

ARLINGTON, TX—Women everywhere have been blessed from on high with the existence of Bradley Ennis, it was reported Monday. "God, in His infinite... more»
Twelve More Pie-Fucking Movies In The Works

issue 3525 | 07.22.99 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Responding to the box-office success of American Pie, Hollywood studios are prepping at least a dozen films revolving around... more»
'You Got It™' Trademarked

issue 3525 | 07.22.99 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Another conversational phrase was removed from the public domain Monday, when Tricon Global Restaurants announced that it has trademarked... more»
Lyndon Johnson Jr. Sworn In As George Editor

issue 3525 | 07.22.99 | News In Brief

HYANNISPORT, MA—At 4:11 a.m. EST Saturday, Lyndon Baines Johnson Jr. was sworn in as editor-in-chief of George magazine following the death... more»
Beautiful Birth Marred By Hideous Afterbirth

issue 3525 | 07.22.99 | News In Photos
World Hunger: Can New Frito-Lay Zestitos Solve The Problem?

issue 3525 | 07.22.99 | News In Photos
Today's New Age Music Is Crap

issue 3525 | 07.22.99 | Commentary

Boy, nothing stays good for long, that's all I can say. more»
I Am Lost In My Mansion

issue 3525 | 07.22.99 | Columnists

I was awakened suddenly this morning by the terrible sound of metal grating upon metal. When I opened my eyes, I was treated to the nightmarish... more»
eBay? hOoray!

issue 3525 | 07.22.99 | Columnists

Boy, if you'd told me I'd be getting a Mrs. Beasley doll in the mail this year, I would have called you crazy. But it happened to me just yesterday!... more»
Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1999

issue 3525 | 07.22.99 | Horoscopes

Your existence will be called into question when "Weird Al" Yankovic uses your life’s work as the basis for a song. more»
Women's Sports On The Rise

issue 3525 | 07.22.99 | Infographic
What Books Aren't We Reading This Summer

issue 3525 | 07.22.99 | Statshot
NAACP Versus The Network

issue 3525 | 07.22.99 | What Do You Think?

Outraged over the lack of minority representation in the new fall prime-time lineups, NAACP president Kweisi Mfume recently accused the major... more»