Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 28, 1999 - August 3, 1999 | Issue 35•26

Co-Worker Just A Little Too Excited About Company Summer Softball League

DE KALB, IL—Wayne Dietz, 31, a claims adjuster at Sentry Mutual Insurance in De Kalb, is a little bit too excited about the company's co-ed summer softball team, inside sources confirmed Tuesday. "Wayne's way into that softball leag...

Klingon Speakers Now Outnumber Navajo Speakers

issue 3526 | 07.28.99 | News

NEW YORK—According to a report released Monday by the Modern Language Association, speakers of the Star Trek-based Klingon language... more»
Dog Urine Lowers Heart-Attack Risk, Say Snickering Researchers

issue 3526 | 07.28.99 | News

BALTIMORE—A team of researchers at Johns Hopkins University have found a link between the consumption of dog urine and the decreased likelihood of... more»
Seven-Year-Old Enjoys Fun Toxic-Spill Evacuation

issue 3526 | 07.28.99 | News

PLEASANT, OH—Lucky second-grader Donny White, 7, enjoyed the thrill of a lifetime Monday, when a full-scale emergency evacuation of his small... more»
Once-Cute Cerebral Palsy Poster Child Now Awkward Cerebral Palsy Teen

issue 3526 | 07.28.99 | News In Brief

BELLINGHAM, WA—Area 14-year-old Brianna Angelos, who was the Cerebral Palsy Foundation's official Cerebral Palsy poster child in 1992, has... more»
Sports Team Defeated In Manner Befitting Its Name

issue 3526 | 07.28.99 | News In Brief

CLEVELAND—A sports team's name proved eerily fitting Tuesday when, according to USA Today, the Cleveland Indians were "scalped" 11-3 by the... more»
AMC Bob Hope Retrospective Ready To Go

issue 3526 | 07.28.99 | News In Brief

WOODBURY, NY—American Movie Classics executives announced Tuesday that the cable network's week-long, 40-film retrospective of the films of Bob... more»
Post-Modern Condition Upgraded To Pre-Apocalyptic

issue 3526 | 07.28.99 | News In Brief

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—The "postmodern" condition of alienated, disjointed late-20th-century humanity was officially upgraded to "pre-apocalyptic"... more»
Clinton Gets Full Day's Relief With One Spray Of Flonase

issue 3526 | 07.28.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton breathed easier for a full day Monday after using Flonase® prescription nasal spray, White House sources... more»
Will Smith: The Black Man Everyone At Work Can Agree On

issue 3526 | 07.28.99 | News In Photos
Vicious Carnivorous Animals Painted On Baby's Crib

issue 3526 | 07.28.99 | News In Photos
Nobody Really Understands Me

issue 3526 | 07.28.99 | Commentary

Look, I really don't have all that much to complain about. I'm well respected. I'm considered quite elegant in my own way. And, in certain circles,... more»
Zweibel's ABCs

issue 3526 | 07.28.99 | Columnists

I was recently informed that quite a large number of Americans remain illiterate, a fact I initially considered good news. Once people are taught to... more»
I Gots To Represent At Tha Muthafuckin' Company Picnic

issue 3526 | 07.28.99 | Columnists

Yo, I must be gettin' soft or somethin', 'cause last weekend, I be chillin' at tha Midstate Office Supply company picnic. Sheeit. Ain't too long ago,... more»
Horoscope for the week of July 28, 1999

issue 3526 | 07.28.99 | Horoscopes

Tragedy strikes you yet again this week when you have the nerve to tell him you prefer his brother, Comedy. more»
Latin USA

issue 3526 | 07.28.99 | Infographic

Led by sining sensations Ricky Martin and Jennifer Lopez, Latin culture is sweeping America. Why? more»
Top Religious Radio Stations

issue 3526 | 07.28.99 | Statshot
The Death Of John-John

issue 3526 | 07.28.99 | What Do You Think?

Killed with his wife and sister-in-law in a plane crash July 16, JFK Jr. joins a long line of Kennedys to die under tragic circumstances. What do... more»