Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 4, 1999 - August 10, 1999 | Issue 35•27

Black Executive Prominently Displayed

COLUMBUS, OH—Dennis Swann, 41, the sole black executive at Brooks Capital Management, was once again prominently displayed Monday by the Columbus-based investment firm. "Dennis is a real asset to the company," said Brooks Capital Management advertising director Blair Katzeff, who used Swann in a newly unveiled print campaign. "Brooks is not the same old investment...

80 Billion Tons Of Jar Jar Merchandise Now 70 Percent Off

issue 3527 | 08.04.99 | News

NEW YORK—An estimated 80 billion tons of Jar Jar Binks-related merchandise—manufactured in bulk this spring in anticipation of the summer's... more»
Insane Clown Posse Gets Ride To Concert From Mom

issue 3527 | 08.04.99 | News

ROYAL OAK, MI—Despite last-minute fears of a concert cancellation due to transportation problems—as well as the fact that it was a school... more»
Doctors Give Area Man Six Months To Pay

issue 3527 | 08.04.99 | News

CARBONDALE, IL—Doctors at Southern Illinois Hospital confirmed Monday that Dale Monfort, a 39-year-old lymphatic-cancer sufferer who underwent... more»
Craig Kilborn Weds Self In Private Ceremony

issue 3527 | 08.04.99 | News In Brief

CARMEL, CA—In a small, private ceremony he described as "deeply moving," CBS late-night talk-show host Craig Kilborn married his love of 36 years... more»
Planet Explodes

issue 3527 | 08.04.99 | News In Brief

EARTH—All Earth lifeforms are feared dead in Monday's explosion of the four-billion-year-old planet, sources report. "We are still searching... more»
Item Individually Wrapped For No Reason

issue 3527 | 08.04.99 | News In Brief

EASTON, PA—Crayola manufacturer Binney-Smith baffled consumers Monday when it released a new version of its popular 64-color box with each crayon... more»
Man With New 40-Disc CD Changer Needs 18 More CDs

issue 3527 | 08.04.99 | News In Brief

OVERLAND PARK, KS—With 22 slots filled in his new Sony 40-disc CD player, Overland Park restaurateur William Fedorisko still needs 18 more discs,... more»
Ritalin Cures Next Picasso

issue 3527 | 08.04.99 | News In Brief

WORCESTER, MA—Area 7-year-old Douglas Castellano's unbridled energy and creativity are no longer a problem thanks to Ritalin, doctors for the child... more»
Every Book On Area Woman's Shelves Somehow Related To Coping

issue 3527 | 08.04.99 | News In Brief

WARNER ROBINS, GA—All 217 books on the shelves of area resident Renee Streed are somehow related to coping, it was reported Tuesday. "I really like... more»
New Yorker Article Unread In Brooklyn, Queens, Bronx, Staten Island

issue 3527 | 08.04.99 | News In Photos
Community Vastly Improved By TV Station's Caring

issue 3527 | 08.04.99 | News In Photos
That's Not Funny; My Brother Died That Way

issue 3527 | 08.04.99 | Commentary

Hey, listen, guys. Listen up. This is a great party and everything, and it's cool you invited me and all, but I have to speak up about that scene in... more»
I Do Not Trust My Man-Servant

issue 3527 | 08.04.99 | Columnists

Over the course of my 115 years as a news-paper-man, I have come to realize the value of loyalty... It amounts to zilch! more»
Ask Someone Who Writes In To Advice Columns

issue 3527 | 08.04.99 | Advice

Nancy Reese is an avid advice-column reader whose weekly syndicated column, Ask Someone Who Writes In To Advice Columns, appears in more than... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 4, 1999

issue 3527 | 08.04.99 | Horoscopes

For years, you thought your deep, dark secret was known only to you and God, but you're chagrined to hear He’s been going around telling everyone. more»
The Patients' Bill Of Rights

issue 3527 | 08.04.99 | Infographic

A Republican-backed patients'-rights bill is currently pending in the U.S. House Of Representatives. What are some of the provisions of the bill? more»
How Are We Luring Minors Into Our Vans?

issue 3527 | 08.04.99 | Statshot

abduction, kidnapping, van more»
Eyes Wide Cut

issue 3527 | 08.04.99 | What Do You Think?

In order to receive an 'R' rating from the MPAA, Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut was digitally altered, with human figures added to... more»