Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 11, 1999 - August 17, 1999 | Issue 35•28

Christ 'Categorically Denies' Speaking To Lutheran-College Administrator

ELKHART, IN—Jesus Christ insisted to reporters Monday that He has "absolutely never spoken" to Philip Burkett, rejecting the 48-year-old Lutheran-college administrator's claim of having "a close, personal relationship" with the prominent savior. "I categorically deny having had any prior contact whatsoever with Mr. Burkett," said Christ at a press conference called to...

Great Strides Made By Pretty Women In The Past Year

issue 3528 | 08.11.99 | News

PALM SPRINGS, CA—The last year of the century has been an outstanding one for America's pretty women, the president of the National Organization... more»
Giant Undersea Cephalopods Targeted By Pepsi

issue 3528 | 08.11.99 | News

PURCHASE, NY—In what ad-industry insiders are calling the most ambitious marketing campaign in history, Pepsico launched a $2.8 billion deep-sea... more»
Lone Teen Rebels Against Mandatory-Nametag Policy

issue 3528 | 08.11.99 | News

SANDPOINT, ID—Despite repeated warnings from management, 17-year-old kitchen steward Matt Mullen continues to rebel against the Sandpointer Resort... more»
Subject Of Phone Bill Delicately Broached

issue 3528 | 08.11.99 | News In Brief

ATHENS, GA—The subject of a $174.76 phone bill was delicately broached Monday, when Jeff DeSilva, 21, casually asked roommate Chad Morris if he... more»
Woman Angered When Veiled Anger Expressed As Mock Anger Is Interpreted As Real Anger

issue 3528 | 08.11.99 | News In Brief

CHEEKTOWAGA, NY—Anger was the order of the day Tuesday, when area resident Gwen McCullers, 41, reacted angrily to husband Craig's insinuation that... more»
Area Man Purchases The Devil's Advocate On DVD For Some Reason

issue 3528 | 08.11.99 | News In Brief

MILWAUKEE, W—For reasons unknown at press time, Milwaukee resident Keith Randall purchased the DVD of the 1997 Keanu Reeves-Al Pacino film The... more»
Home-Schooled Student Opens Fire On Breakfast Nook

issue 3528 | 08.11.99 | News In Brief

OCALA, FL—In the latest act of youth violence to shock the nation, 14-year-old home-schooler Jeffrey Kunz opened fire on the family breakfast nook... more»
Clinton 'Very Disappointed' In Missouri

issue 3528 | 08.11.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—At a White House press conference Monday, President Clinton expressed "great disappointment" in Missouri after the state ranked 49th... more»
Our Nation's Truckers: Are We Meeting Their Pancake Needs?

issue 3528 | 08.11.99 | News In Photos
David Spade Just Shot

issue 3528 | 08.11.99 | News In Photos
I'm Taking Cuddliness To A Whole New Level

issue 3528 | 08.11.99 | Commentary

You've played with other puppies, enjoyed scratching their little heads and rubbing their fuzzy-wuzzy tummies. Heck, you probably thought they were... more»
Vacation Time, Hombres!

issue 3528 | 08.11.99 | Columnists

Hola amigos. What's what? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but there's been a lot of mess going down. First off, I had to get the... more»
Get Me Off This Consarned Asteroid!

issue 3528 | 08.11.99 | Columnists

Boooooooo! 'Tis I, the ghost of Herman Ulysses Zweibel, pioneer editor of The Mercantile-Onion and, to my ever-lasting shame, father of that... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 11, 1999

issue 3528 | 08.11.99 | Horoscopes

The many and varied experiences of this week will prompt you to drink more and cheaper beer than usual. more»
Blair Witch Mania

issue 3528 | 08.11.99 | Infographic

The Blair Witch Project is the sleeper hit of the summer. Why are people flocking to it? more»
What Is Our Favorite Moment In Ladybugs?

issue 3528 | 08.11.99 | Statshot
No Relief From The Heat

issue 3528 | 08.11.99 | What Do You Think?

In the past four weeks, extreme heat has claimed the lives of more than 300 Americans. What do you think of the record temperatures gripping... more»