Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 18, 1999 - August 24, 1999 | Issue 35•29

Area Man Believes In Existence Of Masking Tape Somewhere Out There In Garage

CLOVIS, NM—Staring out into a vast, black expanse of storage space, Clovis resident Harold Randall restated his deep conviction in the existence of more masking tape in the garage Monday. "I know it might sound strange to some people," Randall said, "but, yes, even though I do not have one piece of conclusive evidence, I still very much believe that there's more tape...

Congress Approves $4 Billion For Bread, Circuses

issue 3529 | 08.18.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to ensure the continued distraction and contentedness of the American people during a time of unprecedented prosperity,... more»
'Weird Al' Yankovic Nears Completion Of 'Livin' La Vida Mocha'

issue 3529 | 08.18.99 | News

LOS ANGELES—With an outrageous Star Wars send-up riding high atop the pop charts and countless hit albums under his belt, superstar song... more»
Soulmate Dropped For New, Better Soulmate

issue 3529 | 08.18.99 | News

BLOOMINGTON, IN—The deep and abiding love shared by soulmates Andrew Colton and Brenda Smolensk ended Monday, when Colton broke up with Smolensk to... more»
Wedding Catering Cart Videotaped For Posterity

issue 3529 | 08.18.99 | News

PAWTUCKET, RI—As part of uncle-of-the-bride Ronald Schwepp's extensive coverage of the Schwepp-Ploman wedding, a reception-dinner catering cart was... more»
Quake Claims 500 Hours

issue 3529 | 08.18.99 | News In Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—Rescue workers are still searching frantically for any signs of unwasted time in the wreckage of high-school student Jeremy Fanshaw's... more»
Local Mother Clips Article About Benefits Of Vitamin E

issue 3529 | 08.18.99 | News In Brief

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—In her most recent attempt to feel relevant and necessary in the life of her daughter, area retiree Frances Crandall clipped and... more»
Dog Costumed To Create Illusion Of Sports-Team Preference

issue 3529 | 08.18.99 | News In Brief

APPLETON, WI—Queenie, a 6-year-old Appleton golden retriever, was dressed in a manner making her appear partial to the Green Bay Packers Saturday,... more»
Cable-TV Judge Overruled By Network-TV Judge

issue 3529 | 08.18.99 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—A pro-plaintiff decision by Judge Joseph Wapner of Animal Planet's "Animal Court" was overturned Monday upon appeal to Judge Joe Brown of... more»
Credit-Card Metallurgists Unveil New 'Polonium Plus' Visa Card

issue 3529 | 08.18.99 | News In Brief

FOSTER CITY, CA—In a follow-up to their already successful gold, platinum and titanium cards, Visa metallurgists unveiled the new Polonium Plus... more»
Starship Crew Heroically Saves Screen

issue 3529 | 08.18.99 | News In Photos
Discarded Banana Peel Results In Tragicomic Tableau

issue 3529 | 08.18.99 | News In Photos
Please Stop Trying To Save Our Family Farm

issue 3529 | 08.18.99 | Commentary

Listen, I want to thank everyone for all the encouragement you've given us struggling farm families through the years. Everyone who attended all... more»
I Must Not Be Stolen

issue 3529 | 08.18.99 | Columnists

As many of you doubt-less know, my current situation is less than secure. I have, of late, been stolen no less than twice: Once, I was waylaid by... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: I Want To Be A Fireman vs. I Want To Be A Seven-Year-Old-Girl

issue 3529 | 08.18.99 | Point-Counterpoint

When I grow up, I want to be big and strong and brave and put out fires. I want to ride in a big red truck and wear a raincoat and a red hat. I want... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 18, 1999

issue 3529 | 08.18.99 | Horoscopes

The stars realize you are a self-made man and no one can tell you what to do, but if you don’t stop drinking bleach, things will take a nasty turn. more»
Nuts About NASCAR

issue 3529 | 08.18.99 | Infographic

With Drivers like Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhardt household names and a new contract with NBC in place, NASCAR's popularity is soaring. What is it's... more»
What Are The Scary Voices In Our Heads Commanding?

issue 3529 | 08.18.99 | Statshot
The Falun Gong Show

issue 3529 | 08.18.99 | What Do You Think?

The Chinese government recently banned Falun Gong, a 100,000-member spiritual movement denounced as "dangerous to society." What do you think... more»