Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 25, 1999 - August 31, 1999 | Issue 35•30

Traumatized Child Comforted By Television

MASON CITY, IA—In an inspiring story that has warmed hearts throughout this tight-knit northern Iowa community, a luminescent cathode-ray tube provided much-needed emotional nurturing and support for a traumatized child this week, comforting him in his time of need. Emotionally devastated by an auto accident that claimed the lives of his parents, 4-year-old Stevie...

Clinton Meets With Guy With Tie

issue 3530 | 08.25.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The two men greeted each other, exchanged polite small talk, and waved cordially to the press. more»
U.S. Ice Cubes Melting At Alarming Rate

issue 3530 | 08.25.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—High summer temperatures and ever-increasing levels of U.S. beverage consumption are causing ice cubes across the nation to melt at... more»
Man With Complete Mama's Family Video Library Never Going On eBay Drunk Again

issue 3530 | 08.25.99 | News

NEWTON, MA—In a solemn pledge to himself and the world, Kevin Wollersheim, the new owner of a complete Mama's Family video library,... more»
Serial Killer Remembers Neighbors As Quiet, Unsuspecting

issue 3530 | 08.25.99 | News In Brief

DOTHAN, AL—Arrested Monday in connection with a 17-month killing spree that claimed the lives of 23 people, alleged serial killer Henry Wayne... more»
Struggling Local Theater Space Put Out Of Its Misery

issue 3530 | 08.25.99 | News In Brief

MN—Refusing to let the dying theater space suffer any longer, compassionate Duluth civic leaders signed legislation Monday euthanizing the Crescent... more»
Ostrich-Farm Employee 'Asking For It,' Say Witnesses

issue 3530 | 08.25.99 | News In Brief

TUCUMCARI, NM—Witnesses to Monday's vicious ostrich attack on farmhand Steve Padgett say the recently hired Ostrich Acres employee was "definitely... more»
North Carolina Elects Someone To Run Out For Cigarettes

issue 3530 | 08.25.99 | News In Brief

RALEIGH, NC—In a decisive 91-8 vote Monday, the North Carolina Legislature elected Rep. David Schare (D-Wilmington) to run out and get some... more»
Presence Of Three Round Objects Triggers Juggling Reflex In Local Man

issue 3530 | 08.25.99 | News In Brief

ST. JOSEPH, MO—The juggling reflex of area resident Joel Brodhagen was triggered Tuesday, when a lemon, potato and spherical votive candle all... more»
Corey Hart Still Performing 'Sunglasses At Night' Somewhere

issue 3530 | 08.25.99 | News In Photos
Second Nintendo Controller Sits Unused

issue 3530 | 08.25.99 | News In Photos
I Hope My Baby Doesn't Come Out All Fucked-Up And Shit

issue 3530 | 08.25.99 | Commentary

I sure hope my baby don't come out all fucked-up and shit. 'Cause I know I'm gonna be a good mother, and I'm totally ready, no matter what anybody... more»
Remembering The Stink-weed

issue 3530 | 08.25.99 | Columnists

The Onion was not the first publication I edited and published. In my senior year at Cadwalader Preparatory Academy, I was in charge of the... more»
More Like Blair Witch Projectile Vomiting!

issue 3530 | 08.25.99 | Columnists

Item! In the terminal overhype department, I have to say that this new Blair Witch Project was one of the biggest snores I have... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 25, 1999

issue 3530 | 08.25.99 | Horoscopes

You can't figure out why you're always dreaming about having sex with John Madden. After all, you have lots of sex with John Madden while you're... more»
Public Protection

issue 3530 | 08.25.99 | Infographic

In the wake of two more high-profile shootings, citizens are calling for new, stricter security measures. What does the government plan to do to... more»
Where are we looking for those Goddamn keys?

issue 3530 | 08.25.99 | Statshot
Evolution In Our Schools

issue 3530 | 08.25.99 | What Do You Think?

On Aug. 11 the Kansas Board of Education approved new science standards which de-emphasize the teaching of evolution. What do you think of... more»
Helping Your Kids Succeed In School

issue 3530 | 08.25.99 | Tips

Now more than ever, parents need to be active and involved in their children's education for them to succeed. Here are some ways you can give your... more»