Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 1, 1999 - September 7, 1999 | Issue 35•31

Schaumburg Man Dimly Aware Of Shadowy, Non-Schaumburg World Out There

SCHAUMBURG, IL—The worldview of Allen Koechley, a 41-year-old Schaumburg cost-analysis officer and father of two, was mildly shaken Monday, when he briefly became aware of the possibility that non-Schaumburg places exist. "I was at the Olive Garden by Woodfield Mall," Koechley said, "when I noticed a small sign stating that the restaurant was one of over 1,500 Olive...

Upcoming Los Angeles Earthquake 'Will Be Huge,' Insiders Say

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | News

LOS ANGELES—Here in the glamour capital of the world, people are used to high-profile, earth-shattering events. But according to top insiders,... more»
Area Homosexual Thinks He's Still In The Closet

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | News

TOLEDO, OH—Despite the fact that everyone he meets obviously assumes he is gay, 34-year-old Toledo-area homosexual Jeremy Schuitt still thinks he's... more»
Hundreds Of Thousands Of Sad, Lonely People Waiting To Take Your Call

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | News

OMAHA, NE—A friendless, deeply depressed wretch trapped in a sterile cubicle will be happy to assist you with your order. more»
Scientists Discover Gene Responsible For Eating Whole Goddamn Bag Of Chips

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | News

ITHACA, NY—In an announcement with major implications for big fat hogs, geneticists said that serial chip-eating is hereditary. more»
Pocket Electronic-Bible-Verse Database Coveted

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | News In Brief

FLATWOODS, KY—A local prayer meeting ended in covetousness Saturday, when Marvin Teely, 35, enviously eyed fellow parishioner Janice Hough's... more»
Lone Man With Six-Pack 'Partying'

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | News In Brief

TUCSON, AZ—A party is reportedly underway at 2614 Arcadia Ave., where homeowner Glen Schlatter and no one else is enjoying a six-pack of Olympia... more»
Rotating Knife Vortex Closed Pending Safety Investigation

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | News In Brief

NORFOLK, VA—By the order of the Virginia Safety Commission, the Norfolk Rotating Vortex Of Sharp Knives public-works project was temporarily closed... more»
Kleenex Box Inadequately Covered

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | News In Brief

EMPORIA, KS—Area widow Gwen Reid is said to be "crocheting frantically" following Tuesday's discovery of an uncovered Kleenex facial-tissue box in... more»
Natural Light Very Important To Local Man

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | News In Brief

HACIENDA HEIGHTS, CA—The natural light of the sun is extremely important to homeowner Gregg Dorner, it was reported Monday. "Natural light... more»
Area Man Killed In Committee

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—K&L Advertising executive Nathan Lohaus was killed in committee Monday, his life voted down by an 11-3 margin at the 2 p.m. departmental... more»
Hillary Clinton Reveals Zero In Non-Candid, Tell-Nothing Interview

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | News In Photos

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Pork Chop Trapped In Airtight Container

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | News In Photos
It Is Wrong To Throw Things

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | Commentary

It has become incumbent upon me, in light of certain matters which have been brought to my attention, to address the problem of throwing things. I... more»
A Profanity Primer

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | Columnists

It enrages me beyond all tolerance to see what has be-come of people these days. There is not one man jack in a hundred with any back-bone any-more!... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: It's All About The Benjamins vs. Actually, The Benjamins Are Only A Small Part Of A Larger Set of Concerns

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | Point-Counterpoint

Yo, who y'all think you be foolin' tryna act all hard and shit? I ain't tryna hear you talkin' 'bout how you be all this and that. Y'all wanna be... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 1, 1999

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | Horoscopes

There's trouble in your romantic life, but don't worry: If it were as easy as tying them up until they agreed to love you forever, everyone would be... more»
Pokemania

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | Infographic

Pokemon, or "pocket monsters," is taking America by storm. What do kids love about this Japanese cartoon show/collectible trading-card game/Nintendo... more»
Homelessness By Income

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | Statshot
The Candidate And Cocaine

issue 3531 | 09.01.99 | What Do You Think?

Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush continues to dodge questions about whether he has ever used cocaine or other illegal drugs. What do... more»