Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 8, 1999 - September 14, 1999 | Issue 35•32

Family That Prays Together Suffers Through Long, Hellish Marriage Together

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Despite deep, irreconcilable differences that might have led to divorce for other married couples, Clint and Carol Colson have managed to keep their family together through the power of faith. Their belief in God is living proof of the old adage that the family that prays together suffers through a long, hellish marriage together. "Every night at...

Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying

issue 3532 | 09.08.99 | News

LITTLETON, CO—On April 20, when two students at Columbine High School opened fire in a brutal shooting spree that left 12 classmates and a teacher... more»
Cruise, Kidman Walk Through Lobby

issue 3532 | 09.08.99 | News

LOS ANGELES—The actual, physical presence of the two actors at a hotel lobby caused a stir in the news world. more»
Corporation's New Logo Changes Everything

issue 3532 | 09.08.99 | News

INDIANAPOLIS—Responding swiftly to a 60 Minutes piece exposing its longtime use of child labor in Malaysian sweatshops, Fortune 500... more»
Pizza-Delivery Driver's Sixth Grandmother Dies

issue 3532 | 09.08.99 | News

MINNEAPOLIS—Dick Donovan has been forced to miss work for the sixth time in eight months following the tragic passing of "Grandma Melissa." more»
Study: 82 Percent Of Americans Want To Run Over Nathan Lane With A Tractor

issue 3532 | 09.08.99 | News In Brief

PRINCETON, NJ—According to a Gallup poll released Monday, 82 percent of Americans describe themselves as "wanting very much" to run over Broadway... more»
Man Who Didn't Get Joke Acts Like He Did

issue 3532 | 09.08.99 | News In Brief

LAS CRUCES, NM—Comprehension of a joke involving Jeffrey Dahmer and Lorena Bobbitt was unsuccessfully feigned Monday, when area resident George... more»
God Legally Changes Name To Jake Steele

issue 3532 | 09.08.99 | News In Brief

CINCINNATI—In an unprecedented image makeover for the eternal deity, universal creator God legally changed His name to Jake Steele at the... more»
Report: Some Americans May Not Work In Offices

issue 3532 | 09.08.99 | News In Brief

EVANSTON, IL—Despite strong evidence to the contrary on television sitcoms and in USA Today, a Northwestern University report released... more»
Strapping Young Man To Address Congress

issue 3532 | 09.08.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Congress will receive a visit later this week from strapping young man Johnny Armstrong, Beltway sources reported Tuesday. The... more»
Self-Helped Woman Won't Stop At Just Self

issue 3532 | 09.08.99 | News In Photos
New Toxic-Waste By-Product Contains No Fat

issue 3532 | 09.08.99 | News In Photos
If Only There Were Some Way I Could Get Rid Of All This Spare Change

issue 3532 | 09.08.99 | Commentary

Man, my pockets are filling up with nickels, dimes and quarters. What am I supposed to do with all this stuff? more»
Work It, Jean!

issue 3532 | 09.08.99 | Columnists

You know, not to sound like a sour Sally, but I've just about given up on the male gender. It seems like when they aren't planted in a La-Z-Boy,... more»
Ghost-Writer In The Machine

issue 3532 | 09.08.99 | Columnists

This morning, I awoke to find my ingrate son M. Prescott prodding my rib-cage with his gold-tipped walking stick. He wanted an old "Message" of mine... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 8, 1999

issue 3532 | 09.08.99 | Horoscopes

For years, you've been a fixture in your community, but next week they're tearing you down to build a shopping mall. more»
Roller-Coaster Safety

issue 3532 | 09.08.99 | Infographic

Reeling from a string of roller-coaster fatalities this summer, amusement-park operators across the country are taking steps to increase safety.... more»
What are those sports guys on the Shop-At-Home Network yelling about this week?

issue 3532 | 09.08.99 | Statshot
Breast Implants For Teens

issue 3532 | 09.08.99 | What Do You Think?

According to a recent study, there has been a sharp rise in breast-implant surgery among teenage girls over the past five years. What do you... more»