Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 15, 1999 - September 21, 1999 | Issue 35•33

Small, Dedicated Group Of Concerned Citizens Fails To Change World

CHISHOLM, MN—With a meager annual budget of $17,600 and a mostly unpaid, part-time staff of just 14, the non-profit group Citizens For A Cleaner Watershed has its work cut out for it. The group, whose mission is to improve water quality in the greater Chisholm area through grassroots, citizen-based activism, faces constant opposition from powerful developers,...

Clinton Molested By Visiting Uncle

issue 3533 | 09.15.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—A confused President Clinton tearfully announced Monday that he was molested by his uncle Carl. more»
Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds

issue 3533 | 09.15.99 | News

LAKE ARROWHEAD, CA—A ton of people up and down the coast were seriously bumming Monday, when the Drug Enforcement Administration announced the... more»
T.A. Spotted At Bar

issue 3533 | 09.15.99 | News

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Teaching assistant Drew Phelan was witnessed talking and laughing at an area bar Monday. more»
Hamburglar Urges Senate Subcommittee To 'Robble Robble Robble'

issue 3533 | 09.15.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Denouncing a prison system he described as "robble," hamburger advocate and convicted felon Hamburglar addressed the Senate... more»
Tourist Realizes It's All Just A Lie Set In Place For Him

issue 3533 | 09.15.99 | News In Brief

SAGEBRUSH, TX—An excursion to the Sagebrush Wild West Ghost Town ended in disillusionment Saturday, when, over the course of two hours, Lodi, NJ,... more»
Unnamed New Gas Station Struggling To Find 'Stop 'N Go' Variant

issue 3533 | 09.15.99 | News In Brief

CHARLESTON, WV—The grand opening of a Charleston-area gas station was put on hold Monday as its owner struggled to find an available "Stop 'N Go"... more»
Report: Adjectives 'Tony,' 'Snarky' Used Only By Media

issue 3533 | 09.15.99 | News In Brief

BOSTON—According to a report released Monday by the McLuhan Institute For Media Studies, the adjectives "tony" and "snarky" are used exclusively by... more»
Two Dead In 'Kind Of Brutal' Slaying

issue 3533 | 09.15.99 | News In Brief

NEW ORLEANS—A convenience-store clerk and customer were shot to death Monday in an armed robbery described by witnesses as "kind of brutal." "I... more»
Sony Unveils Matte-Black Box Of Red And Green Lights

issue 3533 | 09.15.99 | News In Photos

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Owner Pleads With Cat To React To Fuzzy Object

issue 3533 | 09.15.99 | News In Photos
I Bet I Can Speak Spanish

issue 3533 | 09.15.99 | Commentary

Hello, amigos! El soy quando agunto! Ella balloona balunga espanyo! more»
Huzzah For The Death Of A Child!

issue 3533 | 09.15.99 | Columnists

Rejoice, O readers! Let there be songs of praise sung throughout the press-rooms! Bedeck the rooms of my estate with the merry-buntings, and polish... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 15, 1999

issue 3533 | 09.15.99 | Horoscopes

Your quest to be the world's greatest lover will fall short, but at least you'll be the world's greatest really close friend. more»
TV Targets Teens

issue 3533 | 09.15.99 | Infographic

Encouraged by the success of such WB programs as Dawson's Creek and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, other networks are rolling out their own... more»
Most Memorable Candid Camera Pranks

issue 3533 | 09.15.99 | Statshot
Trouble In East Timor

issue 3533 | 09.15.99 | What Do You Think?

On Aug. 30, East Timor voted overwhelmingly for independence from Indonesia, sparking a pro-Jakarta militia crackdown that has left hundreds of... more»
Caring For Your Car

issue 3533 | 09.15.99 | Tips

Regular maintenance will make your automobile safer to dive and extend the life of your vehicle, saving you money in the long run. Here are some tips... more»