Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 22, 1999 - September 28, 1999 | Issue 35•34

Elegant Funeral Ruined By Presence Of Hideous Corpse

CHICOPEE, MA—An elegant, tasteful funeral, meticulously arranged by an experienced funeral director and attended by more than 200 impeccably dressed guests from across the country, was utterly ruined Monday by the presence of a rotting human corpse. "It just doesn't make sense," said funeralgoer Emily Timmons, retching at the sight of the 182-pound heap of decaying...

Bill Bradley Denies Being Into Spin Doctors In Early '90s

issue 3534 | 09.22.99 | News

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79 Percent Of Americans Missing The Point Entirely

issue 3534 | 09.22.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a Georgetown University study released Tuesday, 79 percent of Americans are missing the point entirely with regard to... more»
She's Probably Sleeping With Him Right Now, Local Man Obsesses

issue 3534 | 09.22.99 | News

CORVALLIS, OR—Given that she is not at her sister's, aunt's or best friend Erika's, was not at her desk any of the 12 times he phoned her at the... more»
Hot-Rod-Lincoln-Driving Son May Have Contributed To Father's Alcoholism

issue 3534 | 09.22.99 | News In Brief

SAN PEDRO, CA—William Conroy, a 43-year-old San Pedro-area pappy, was driven to alcoholism by his 17-year-old son's reckless Hot Rod Lincoln... more»
Greenpeace Decides Northern Spotted Owl 'Not Worth The Trouble Anymore'

issue 3534 | 09.22.99 | News In Brief

AMSTERDAM—Citing "organization-wide disinterest in a truly mundane species of bird," Greenpeace announced Monday that it is ending its decades-long... more»
Tape Dispensed

issue 3534 | 09.22.99 | News In Brief

PULASKI, TN—A two-inch stretch of 3M Scotch™ adhesive tape was dispensed Monday by a Swingline™ tape dispenser. "I am impressed beyond... more»
Hanes, Fruit Of The Loom Locked In Bitter Struggle No One Else Aware Of

issue 3534 | 09.22.99 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—The ongoing rivalry between Hanes and Fruit Of The Loom, the nation's two largest manufacturers of underwear, has escalated into a bitter... more»
Reno Orders Investigation Of U.S. Department of Corruption

issue 3534 | 09.22.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno ordered a full-scale investigation of the Department of Corruption Monday in the wake of widespread... more»
Winneshiek County Stadium Indeed Ready To Rock

issue 3534 | 09.22.99 | News In Photos
Woody Harrelson Spends Two Hours Drawing Marijuana Leaf On Binder

issue 3534 | 09.22.99 | News In Photos
Jim Anchower Is One Smart Used-Car Shopper

issue 3534 | 09.22.99 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. S'up? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a lot of stuff goin' down. First off, I finally found my car that... more»
A Holly Jolly Zweibelmas

issue 3534 | 09.22.99 | Columnists

I had been eagerly anticipating my favorite holiday, Zweibelmas, which, of course, falls every Sept. 21. But my Zweibelmas spirit was dampened when I... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: U.S. Out Of My Uterus vs. We Must Deploy Troops To Jessica Linden's Uterus Immediately

issue 3534 | 09.22.99 | Point-Counterpoint

It comes down to one thing: It's my body. Not Uncle Sam's, not Trent Lott's, not Pat Robertson's. Mine. Congress can demand a portion of my income,... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 22, 1999

issue 3534 | 09.22.99 | Horoscopes

The stars see great things in your future, but only if you finally stop teasing them about how they failed to predict that whole Princess Di thing. more»
Sega Dreamcast

issue 3534 | 09.22.99 | Infographic

Launched September 9, Sega Dreamcast sold 372,000 units in its first four days of availability, a record for a video game system. What are the... more»
Least-Attended U.S. Street Festivals

issue 3534 | 09.22.99 | Statshot
The Waco Cover-Up

issue 3534 | 09.22.99 | What Do You Think?

Last week, it was revealed that in 1995, the Justice Department delivered a report to Congress without a page that referred to the FBI's use of... more»