Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 29, 1999 - October 5, 1999 | Issue 35•35

Guy At Next Table Won't Shut Up About The Capitol Steps

LANDOVER, MD—According to Gino's Restaurant patrons Barry and Paula Kallen, a guy at the next table will not shut up about the Washington D.C.-based musical political-satire troupe The Capitol Steps. "The whole time we're eating," Paula said, "all we could hear was this guy going off about The Capitol Steps." "The Steps are so hilarious,"...

Corruption In Bosnian Government Reveals Existence Of Bosnian Government

issue 3535 | 09.29.99 | News

SARAJEVO, BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA—The recent discovery of corruption within the Bosnian government is being overshadowed by the even more shocking... more»
You Worth It

issue 3535 | 09.29.99 | News

"Over the course of three years of research," NCI study head Dr. Frederick Courson said, "one clear, immutable fact emerged: You work hard, and you... more»
Disgruntled Ninja Silently Kills 12 Co-Workers

issue 3535 | 09.29.99 | News

SKOKIE, IL—Toshiro Tenchumaru, a 34-year-old ninja and longtime employee at Azuma Copier Corporation in Skokie, stealthily took the lives of 12... more»
Exercise Briefly Considered

issue 3535 | 09.29.99 | News In Brief

GERMANTOWN, TN—The notion of aerobic exercise fleetingly crossed the mind of Memphis-area office manager Theodore Sperling Monday. "There was half... more»
Doctors Say Pope Will Be Infallible For Another Year At Most

issue 3535 | 09.29.99 | News In Brief

VATICAN CITY— According to papal physicians, 79-year-old Pope John Paul II, the infallible Earthly vicar of Christ, will likely become fallible... more»
Area Woman Not About To Miss Ally McBeal For That

issue 3535 | 09.29.99 | News In Brief

ROCHESTER, NY—At approximately 10 p.m. Thursday, 41-year-old Rochester resident Connie Smoller informed her husband Patrick that she isn't about to... more»
Congress Discontinues Festival Seating After Insurance-Deregulation-Bill Stampede

issue 3535 | 09.29.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Reacting to the Sept. 7 stampede in which 18 members of the House of Representatives were trampled to death in a mad dash to get... more»
Burned-Out Coffee-Shop Employee Just Lets Paul Simon Play For Fifth Time

issue 3535 | 09.29.99 | News In Brief

PORTLAND, OR—Exhausted and beyond the point of caring what music she listens to while working, 22-year-old Espresso Royale Cafe employee Jennifer... more»
Savings Passed On To Local Woman

issue 3535 | 09.29.99 | News In Photos

more»
National Association Advances Colored Person

issue 3535 | 09.29.99 | News In Photos
I Want A Chopper On The Pad Fueled For New York Now

issue 3535 | 09.29.99 | Commentary

Okay, look alive, people! Get going... now! This is what we've been training for! You know your jobs—do them! Go! Go! Go! Get Watkins in here. I... more»
To Hell With Philanthropy

issue 3535 | 09.29.99 | Columnists

Every autumn, I like to do two things: perform my annual October shitting and contemplate the size of my fortune. And as much as I enjoy the former,... more»
Ask A Chat Room

issue 3535 | 09.29.99 | Advice

People Connection: Town Square: Twin Cities is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Chat Room, appears in more than 250... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 29, 1999

issue 3535 | 09.29.99 | Horoscopes

Though the divine order from the Archangel Michael is clear, you find it impossible to decide if it should be Hall or Oates who pays for our sins. more»
The White Rap Boom

issue 3535 | 09.29.99 | Infographic

Led by such acts as Kid Rock, Eminem, Insane Clown Posse and Everlast, white rap is storming the pop charts. Why are there so many Caucasian rappers... more»
How do we like our cock?

issue 3535 | 09.29.99 | Statshot
Quaking All Over

issue 3535 | 09.29.99 | What Do You Think?

In the past five weeks, two massive earthquakes have killed thousands in Turkey and Taiwan. What do you think about this sudden spate of... more»