Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 13, 1999 - October 19, 1999 | Issue 35•37

Telegeneticists Breed More Mediagenic Humans

BURBANK, CA—A team of telegeneticists at the University of California-Burbank announced Monday that they have successfully bred a more mediagenic strain of human being. "Ever since early Man sat and told stories of living, loving and learning in the Neolithic Age while huddled together on a campfire-facing couch, we as a species have wanted to look good in a...

Male Orgasm Captured On Film

issue 3537 | 10.13.99 | News

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Announcing "a major advance in the age-old quest to unlock the secrets at the heart of human sexuality," researchers at Harvard's... more»
America Reminded Of Beef's Existence By Bold New Ad Campaign

issue 3537 | 10.13.99 | News

KANSAS CITY—A new $100 million ad campaign hopes to remind Americans about edible cow flesh. more»
Office Copying Getting Out Of Hand, Says Office Manager

issue 3537 | 10.13.99 | News

ARLINGTON, TX—Office manager Wendell Sulley's official decree came in the form of a notice in 40-point type posted above the two Xerox copiers. more»
Newly Unearthed Time Capsule Just Full Of Useless Old Crap

issue 3537 | 10.13.99 | News

ATCHISON, KS—A deep sense of disappointment gripped the citizens of Atchison, KS, Tuesday, when a 60-year-old time capsule unearthed from the site... more»
Legislators Still Concerned About Key Non-Issues

issue 3537 | 10.13.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—With Americans increasingly concerned about the Social Security crisis and nuclear threats abroad, a coalition of leading... more»
Time Running Out On Second-Keg Fund Drive

issue 3537 | 10.13.99 | News In Brief

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Keg-drive organizers at Florida State University's Delta Sigma Epsilon fraternity said they are "still significantly short" of the... more»
Ritalin Gummis Unveiled

issue 3537 | 10.13.99 | News In Brief

BASEL, SWITZERLAND—In what it is touting as "a fun, delicious new way to combat Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder," Ritalin manufacturer... more»
Some Genius Juxtaposing Religious Iconography And Bodily Waste Yet Again

issue 3537 | 10.13.99 | News In Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—The ultimate taboo was broken for the 856th time Monday, when the controversial art exhibit "Doo-Doo Messiah" opened at the San... more»
National Filmstrip Board Calls For Quiet

issue 3537 | 10.13.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Insisting that "this is important, people," the National Filmstrip Board called for quiet Monday, urging U.S. citizens to observe... more»
Area Roofer Badmouths College

issue 3537 | 10.13.99 | News In Photos
America's Love Affair With Ally McBeal Ends Violently

issue 3537 | 10.13.99 | News In Photos
Infidel!

issue 3537 | 10.13.99 | Columnists

Bring forth the prisoners! I, Gorzo The Mighty, hereby decree that Crash Comet, Space Commander From The Year 2000, and his puny boy sidekick, Buddy... more»
It's Splitsville For Jacko!

issue 3537 | 10.13.99 | Columnists

Item! Megasuperduperstar Michael Jackson and his wife are calling it quits after five years of wedded bliss. No official word... more»
I Am Tired Of These Constant Near-Death Experiences

issue 3537 | 10.13.99 | Columnists

Last night, as I so often do during my sleep, I dreamt of the lithe-limbed and frustratingly over-corseted Sophie Tucker. But midway through the... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 13, 1999

issue 3537 | 10.13.99 | Horoscopes

Though a romantic escape may be in the cards for you, it will more likely be a German expressionist nightmare. more»
Day Traders

issue 3537 | 10.13.99 | Infographic

Day traders–short term, high risk investors who buy and sell stock online from their own homes–account for a large, rapidly rising percentage of... more»
How are U.S. prisoners passing their time?

issue 3537 | 10.13.99 | Statshot
The New Reagan Biography

issue 3537 | 10.13.99 | What Do You Think?

Edmund Morris' new Reagan biography, Dutch: A Memoir Of Ronald Reagan, is drawing fire for its use of fictionalized characters and events.... more»