Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 27, 1999 - November 2, 1999 | Issue 35•39

Unattractive Man Just Like A Brother To Area Woman

OLYMPIA, WA—Slightly paunchy, thin-haired Robert Pelton, 27, is just like a brother to area musician Tara Leland, the attractive blonde said Monday. "Rob is so cool," the 26-year-old Leland said. "He's just the greatest friend in the world. I love him so much!" Pelton blushed and smiled as the statuesque Leland, dressed in a miniskirt, high boots and a...

National Funk Congress Deadlocked On Get Up/Get Down Issue

issue 3539 | 10.27.99 | News

CHOCOLATE CITY—The bitter "get up/get down" battle has polarized the nation's funk community. more»
Report: TV Helps Build Valuable Looking Skills

issue 3539 | 10.27.99 | News

NEW YORK—Staring and gazing skills also increase markedly after watching cartoons for as little as three hours. more»
Area Man Finds Soda-Winning Game Piece He Forgot About

issue 3539 | 10.27.99 | News

ERIE, PA—While removing an insurance card from an infrequently used section of his wallet Monday, local resident Don Turnbee came across a... more»
Non-Spooktacular Haunted House Under Fire From Community

issue 3539 | 10.27.99 | News

MALDEN, MA—Visitors claim that there was no fiendish fun to be had throughout the entire non-hair-raising experience. more»
If Area Dad Steps On Legos One More Time

issue 3539 | 10.27.99 | News In Brief

DARLINGTON, SC—According to loud reports from within the Kaminsky household Tuesday, if area father Russell Kaminsky steps on one more goddamn... more»
New 'Steak & Onion' Potato Chips Taste Disturbingly Like Steak And Onions

issue 3539 | 10.27.99 | News In Brief

MONTPELIER, VT—A bag of Murley's Steak & Onion Potato Chips deeply disturbed Montpelier-area snacker Vince Houghton Monday, delivering an... more»
Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor

issue 3539 | 10.27.99 | News In Brief

GARLAND, TX—Local resident Jesse McCombs' sole remaining lung filled with the rich, satisfying flavor of Parliament cigarettes Monday. "Mmm, now... more»
Dan Fogelberg Fails To Soothe Area Lite 108 Listener

issue 3539 | 10.27.99 | News In Brief

SOUTHFIELD, MI—Detroit radio station Lite 108's claim of being "the station you relax at work with" proved false Monday, when M&I Marketing... more»
East St. Louis Rated Number-One City In America By Poverty Magazine

issue 3539 | 10.27.99 | News In Brief

EAST ST. LOUIS, IL—The November issue of Poverty magazine, featuring its annual "Top American Cities" poll, hit newsstands Monday, and for... more»
Chechen Infant Lulled To Sleep By Distant Rumbling

issue 3539 | 10.27.99 | News In Photos
Hand Drum After Hand Drum Emerges From VW Bus

issue 3539 | 10.27.99 | News In Photos
Zweibel's Got A Sweetheart!

issue 3539 | 10.27.99 | Columnists

I've got a sweet-heart! I've got a sweet-heart! Her name is Miss Bernadette Fiske, and not only does she claim that I am her best beau, but that I am... more»
A Good-News Prescription

issue 3539 | 10.27.99 | Columnists

If you're anything like me (and who on Earth wouldn't want to be? Har-dee-har-har!), what you could use right about now is some good news. After all,... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: America's Homeless Want A Hand Up, Not A Handout vs. I Want Handouts!

issue 3539 | 10.27.99 | Point-Counterpoint

Though it may seem cruel, the reality is, a handout to that homeless panhandler you see on the street will do him more harm than good in the long... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 27, 1999

issue 3539 | 10.27.99 | Horoscopes

You will be distressed to find yourself listed under "old oil bottles" in your local sanitation department's "recyclopedia." more»
Women's Boxing On The Rise

issue 3539 | 10.27.99 | Infographic

Recently, a woman defeated a man in the first-ever professionally sanctioned mixed-sex boxing match, and ESPN plans to air an upcoming fight... more»
Worst-Selling Halloween Costumes

issue 3539 | 10.27.99 | Statshot
The Declining Crime Rate

issue 3539 | 10.27.99 | What Do You Think?

It was announced last week that the U.S. crime rate is down for the seventh year in a row, falling to its lowest level since 1985. What do you... more»