Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 3, 1999 - November 9, 1999 | Issue 35•40

Nation Outraged By CSU Student-Council Decision

FORT COLLINS, CO—Across the U.S., citizens are expressing outrage over the Colorado State University student council's decision to slash the Campus Multicultural Center's per-semester funding from $850 to $400. "CMC organizers worked tirelessly for two whole semesters to get that center up and running," said 47-year-old Pensacola, FL, dentist Joseph Kellner, taping...

Pudding-Factory Disaster Brings Slow, Creamy Death To Town Below

issue 3540 | 11.03.99 | News

CENTRALIA, IL—The death toll from the lip-smacking tragedy stands at 350. more»
Clinton Writes Fan Letter To Joan Jett

issue 3540 | 11.03.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In what White House sources are calling "a show of support and admiration for one of our nation's most talented and dynamic popular... more»
Local Trailer Park Shatters No Stereotypes

issue 3540 | 11.03.99 | News

TULSA, OK—Over the course of its 24-year history, Kilty's Kourt, a Tulsa-area trailer park, has shattered no stereotypes, causing no one to... more»
Child Earns Clock Radio For 78 Hours Of Work

issue 3540 | 11.03.99 | News

OMAHA, NE—Peter Hewson learned an important lesson about the value of hard work Monday and received an exciting reward at the same time, when the... more»
That Guy From That One Show To Make Guest Appearance On That Other Show

issue 3540 | 11.03.99 | News In Brief

DECATUR, GA—According to a report from local Chik-Fil-A cashier Len Baxter, that dude on that one show about the guy who can see into the future is... more»
Jesus-Loving Co-Worker Believes She's Not Alone At Lunch Table

issue 3540 | 11.03.99 | News In Brief

POCATELLO, ID—Sitting by herself at a table in the Pocatello Tool Works lunchroom, devout Christian Brenda Smolensk announced Monday that she is... more»
Quaker Oats Assembly-Line Worker Fired For 'Oops! All Berries' Incident

issue 3540 | 11.03.99 | News In Brief

DE KALB, IL—Richard Karl, a 47-year-old assembly-line worker at Quaker Oats' Cap'n Crunch With Crunchberries plant in De Kalb, was fired Monday... more»
Cell-Phone User Promises Girlfriend, Entire Post Office He'll Try To Change

issue 3540 | 11.03.99 | News In Brief

RALEIGH, NC—Speaking on his cell phone while waiting in line to buy stamps Monday, Brad McCall assured girlfriend Stephanie Green, as well as 14... more»
Third World Disease Eliminated With Hot-Air Hand Dryers

issue 3540 | 11.03.99 | News In Brief

KIGALI, RWANDA—Malaria, small pox and AIDS are among the many afflictions whose spread has been halted thanks to the World Health Organization's... more»
Brown Workers Put Company In The Black

issue 3540 | 11.03.99 | News In Photos
Seven-Year-Old Told To Take It Like A Man

issue 3540 | 11.03.99 | News In Photos
We Accomplish Nothing By Living In Fear Of Chuck Woolery

issue 3540 | 11.03.99 | Commentary

You think I'm not afraid, too? Of course I'm afraid. But the point is, you cannot give in to that fear. If you give in to fear, you live in fear.... more»
Ideas That Made Me Millions

issue 3540 | 11.03.99 | Columnists

Astute readers—of which I have nearly none, as you are a pack of Judas-livered, porridge-pantsed, mung-brained tit-mice—know that I am renowned... more»
Ask Miss Omaha Dairy Products 1953

issue 3540 | 11.03.99 | Advice

Mary Ellen Porter is a nationally syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask Miss Omaha Dairy Products 1953, appears in more than... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 3, 1999

issue 3540 | 11.03.99 | Horoscopes

Though you try to follow the teachings of your odd religion, you have trouble with the parable that instructs you to enjoy being hit twice in the... more»
Martha Stewart, Inc.

issue 3540 | 11.03.99 | Infographic

Martha Stewart, who on Oct. 19 went public in a hugely successful IPO, has parlayed her domestic touch into a multimedia empire. Why has she been so... more»
Top-Selling Novelty Condoms

issue 3540 | 11.03.99 | Statshot
Population: Six Billion

issue 3540 | 11.03.99 | What Do You Think?

Last month, the world's population reached the six-billion mark. What do you think of this landmark? more»