Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 10, 1999 - November 16, 1999 | Issue 35•41

Rich Guy Wins Yacht Race

NEWPORT, RI–Some rich guy came in first Monday in that big, famous yacht race held every year at the Newport Yacht Club, a big, fancy yacht place with "a whole lot of really expensive-looking boats and shit," sources reported. "There were a whole bunch of boats out there on the water, with all these rich guys running around on them, moving ropes from here to there...

Jewish Anti-Deprecation League Protests New Woody Allen Movie

issue 3541 | 11.10.99 | News

NEW YORK–The Jewish Anti-Deprecation League picketed the New York premiere of Woody Allen's latest film, Waltzing With Schopenhauer,... more»
New Study Too Frightening To Release

issue 3541 | 11.10.99 | News

PALO ALTO, CA–Researchers at Stanford University are refusing to release a comprehensive three-year interdisciplinary study on the grounds that... more»
Local Man Orders Now

issue 3541 | 11.10.99 | News

ELKHART, IN—Wowed by a half-hour paid commercial for the latest miracle product from Culinare®, makers of the incredible... more»
Turkish Man Kiss You

issue 3541 | 11.10.99 | News In Brief

IZMIR, TURKEY–According to reports, Izmir-area journalist and table-tennis enthusiast Mahir welcomes you to his homepage and kiss you. "Welcome to... more»
Brutal Gang Rape Gives Screenplay More 'Punch'

issue 3541 | 11.10.99 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Screenwriter Justin Weichert "punched up" his screenplay for the action-suspense film Lethal Force, adding a brutal gang-rape... more»
Clinton Says Badtz-Maru May Be His Favorite Sanrio Character

issue 3541 | 11.10.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–In a surprise reversal, President Clinton announced Monday that Badtz-Maru is "probably" his favorite Sanrio character. "Badtz-Maru... more»
MIT Researchers Discover Each Other

issue 3541 | 11.10.99 | News In Brief

CAMBRIDGE, MA–While attempting to isolate a gene believed to be key to the development of the autoimmune disorder myasthenia gravis Monday,... more»
Eight Million Americans Rescued From Poverty With Redefinition Of Term

issue 3541 | 11.10.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–Approximately eight million Americans living below the poverty line were rescued from economic hardship Monday, when the U.S. Census... more»
30 Percent Of India's Population Now Under Twisted Wreckage

issue 3541 | 11.10.99 | News In Photos
Gross National Product Surpassed By Grotesque National Byproducts

issue 3541 | 11.10.99 | News In Photos
Watch Me Sleep My Way To The Top Of The Glendale Homeowner's Association

issue 3541 | 11.10.99 | Commentary

I've been around Glendale, a safe, clean, family-friendly neighborhood made up of 113 residential lots bordering Glendale Park, long enough to know... more»
Dropping A Hint

issue 3541 | 11.10.99 | Columnists

My man-servant Standish informed me that this upcoming Yule-tide will be the final one of the years that begin with 19. This fact got me to thinking... more»
Time Foe Tha H-Dog To Give Props

issue 3541 | 11.10.99 | Columnists

Yo, peep this: I wanna take this opportunity to give a shout-out to all tha homies who got tha H-Dog's back in his day-to-day bidness as tha... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 10, 1999

issue 3541 | 11.10.99 | Horoscopes

Your "important work for the government" is nothing more than income-tax filing. Please release the "Russian infiltrators" from your closet. more»
The New Game Shows

issue 3541 | 11.10.99 | Infographic

With ABC's Who Wants To Be A Millionaire a ratings smash, a flood of big-money game shows are on the way, inclusing Fox's Greed and... more»
Least-Abused Substances

issue 3541 | 11.10.99 | Statshot
Talking Air Safety

issue 3541 | 11.10.99 | What Do You Think?

Several recent high-profile plane crashes, including an Oct. 31 EgyptAir disaster that claimed 217 lives, have once again caused airline safety to... more»