Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 17, 1999 - November 23, 1999 | Issue 35•42

Molly Hatchet's Nightmare Descent Into Booze, Sex, Drugs 'Not All That Nightmarish,' Guitarist Admits

JACKSONVILLE, FL—The nation's celebrity-biography industry is reeling following Monday's admission by former Molly Hatchet rhythm guitarist Billy Joe Reeves that the rock band's so-called "nightmare descent into booze, sex and drugs" at the height of its late-'70s popularity was "actually not all that nightmarish at all." "In the summer of 1979, Molly Hatchet was on...

U.S. Bedwetters Decide Against Nationwide Awareness-Raising Campaign

issue 3542 | 11.17.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Spokespersons for the National Bedwetters Society announced Monday that the organization will scrap a nationwide campaign intended... more»
Species Of Blue-Green Algae Announces IPO

issue 3542 | 11.17.99 | News

LAKE ERIE—Seeking to capitalize on the recent IPO rage on Wall Street, Lake Erie-based blue-green algae Anabaena announced Tuesday that it... more»
Child Unimpressed With Aurora Borealis After Whole Day Of Tekken 3

issue 3542 | 11.17.99 | News

INTERNATIONAL FALLS, MN—A wide-eyed gaze of childlike wonderment over the incomprehensible majesty of creation was not elicited Monday, when... more»
'Very Special' Constitutional Amendment To Take On Alcoholism

issue 3542 | 11.17.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—At 8 p.m. EST next Monday, C-SPAN will air "an important episode no family will want to miss," in which Congress is expected to pass... more»
Neglect Of Wife, Children Results In Promotion

issue 3542 | 11.17.99 | News In Brief

NEWARK, NJ—Six years of familial neglect netted longtime Prudential Insurance employee Walt Arness a major promotion to national vice-president of... more»
King Ralph Fails To Become Hip Retro Reference

issue 3542 | 11.17.99 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—According to trendwatchers and pop-culture analysts, the 1991 John Goodman comedy King Ralph has failed to emerge as a humorous... more»
Worker Told To Have Fun Operating Shake Machine

issue 3542 | 11.17.99 | News In Brief

SACRAMENTO, CA—Moments before being left in charge of the four-flavor Freez-King™ shake machine at the Folsom Boulevard Arby's Monday, recent... more»
Orrin Hatch Mistakenly Left Dangling In Bondage-Fetish Dungeon

issue 3542 | 11.17.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–U.S. Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) declined to answer reporters' questions Monday after a congressional aide discovered him naked and... more»
85-Year-Old Russian Stares At Cement Wall Of Room

issue 3542 | 11.17.99 | News In Photos
Soccer Mom To Suck Off World's Greatest Dad

issue 3542 | 11.17.99 | News In Photos
$11,000 A Year Doesn't Go As Far As You Probably Think

issue 3542 | 11.17.99 | Commentary

When people hear I make $11,000 a year, they're usually pretty surprised. And I can't say I blame them. It's a handsome salary to command. But... more»
It Is My Hope That I Will Be Remembered As A Great Man

issue 3542 | 11.17.99 | Commentary

As the 18th century draws to a close, as do my days on this earth, I cannot help but wonder how I will be remembered by those who come after me. Not... more»
T. Herman Zweibel In Memoriam

issue 3542 | 11.17.99 | Columnists

As a long-time news-paper-man, I know full well the value of preparedness. I have always placed my gentle-men reporters where the news was about to... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 17, 1999

issue 3542 | 11.17.99 | Horoscopes

You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided." more»
Penalizing Microsoft

issue 3542 | 11.17.99 | Infographic

Earlier this month, a federal judge ruled Microsoft a monopoly. What penalties are being considered for the software giant? more»
Upcoming Disney Adaptations Of Classic Books

issue 3542 | 11.17.99 | Statshot
Banning ATM Fees

issue 3542 | 11.17.99 | What Do You Think?

On Nov. 2, voters in San Francisco and Santa Monica approved ordinances banning banks from charging ATM fees to non-customers. In response, several... more»