Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 24, 1999 - November 30, 1999 | Issue 35•43

Hedonistic Orgy Marred By Exclusively Overweight, Middle-Aged Participants

NORTH PLATTE, NE–"Aphrodite's Fantasy '99," a no-holds-barred, free-for-all orgy intended by organizers to be "a week-long carnal smorgasbord of wild, untamed sexual abandon and untold pleasures of the flesh," fell far short of its goal due to the exclusively middle-aged, overweight status of its participants, sources reported Monday. "Uh, I'd really rather not talk...

Russian Television Scores Hit With New Game Show Who Wants To Eat A Meal?

issue 3543 | 11.24.99 | News

MOSCOW–The program has only been on the air for three weeks, but Russian citizens from Voronezh to Srednekolymsk are already swept up in the thrill... more»
Anti-Racism Laws Mutate Racism Into Newer, Stronger Form

issue 3543 | 11.24.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–According to a report released Monday by the Center For The Study Of Human-Morality-Legislation Attempts, the passage of anti-racism... more»
Area Man Hasn't Told Co-Workers About His Billy Joel Fanpage Yet

issue 3543 | 11.24.99 | News

DAYTON, OH–Ross Hudek, a 36-year-old claims processor at Northcentral Insurance in Dayton, still hasn't told co-workers about "Zanzibar," his... more»
Area Man Mentions That People Have Said He Looks Like Tom Cruise

issue 3543 | 11.24.99 | News In Brief

PEORIA, IL—According to 44-year-old C&G Financial Services actuary Morris Brewer, numerous people have noted that he looks like Tom Cruise. "Yeah,... more»
Parking-Ramp Attendant Moves Slightly

issue 3543 | 11.24.99 | News In Brief

HOUSTON—Parking-ramp attendant Bill Butler was detected making a slight movement Monday, sending shockwaves through the paid-parking industry. "He... more»
Star Trek Fan Pretty Sure Show Stole His Idea

issue 3543 | 11.24.99 | News In Brief

CHICO, CA—Star Trek fan Les Cordwainer said Monday he is "pretty sure" that the producers of Star Trek: Voyager stole his idea for an... more»
Guitar-Instruction Manual Has Eddie Van Halen On Cover, 'Go Tell Aunt Rhody' Inside

issue 3543 | 11.24.99 | News In Brief

ELIZABETH, NJ—Rock The House In 30 Days, a beginner-level guitar-instruction manual published by Elizabeth-based Learn-2-Play Books,... more»
Driver Rules Out Driver Error In Crash

issue 3543 | 11.24.99 | News In Brief

SPARTANBURG, SC—Driver error has been ruled out as the cause of a Nov. 20 crash that left two injured and caused more than $47,000 in damages,... more»
Busy Executive Has To Take This Call Girl

issue 3543 | 11.24.99 | News In Photos
Mass Graves: Are They Really More Cost-Effective?

issue 3543 | 11.24.99 | News In Photos
Thank You For The Article About Cher

issue 3543 | 11.24.99 | Commentary

I've never written in to a magazine before, but I just had to tell you how thrilled I was when I picked up your Nov. 20 issue and saw who was on the... more»
Do The Right Thing

issue 3543 | 11.24.99 | Columnists

After much careful rumination, I have decided to make public a rather embarrassing matter about my-self. Although I very rarely disclose the... more»
I Got Some Shit To Be Thankful For

issue 3543 | 11.24.99 | Columnists

Hola amigos. What's goin' down in your part of town? I know it's been a long time, been a long time, been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely,... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 24, 1999

issue 3543 | 11.24.99 | Horoscopes

Don't be too quick to judge others this week. Except, of course, for figure skaters, with whom you have a long history of leniency. more»
Low-Carb Diets

issue 3543 | 11.24.99 | Infographic

Featured recently on the cover of Time, low-carb, high-protein diets are all the rage. Why are millions of Americans following such diets as... more»
What The Hell Did We Drink Last Night

issue 3543 | 11.24.99 | Statshot
Trying Children As Adults

issue 3543 | 11.24.99 | What Do You Think?

Last week, a Michigan jury convicted a 13-year-old boy of second-degree murder for a crime he committed as an 11-year-old. What do you think... more»