Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 1, 1999 - December 7, 1999 | Issue 35•44

Ferocious Ad Assault Crushes Ragtag Sales Resistance

BANGOR, ME—A brave, desperate attempt at sales resistance was decisively crushed by the Sony Corporation Monday, when a group of non-camcorder-owning rebels caved in to a fierce advertising blitz designed to quash all remaining consumer opposition to the Sony Handycam camcorder. "The resistance is finished," said James Guthridge, head of the Sony Joint Chiefs of...

Jesus 'Really Dreading' This Next Birthday

issue 3544 | 12.01.99 | News

JERUSALEM—Jesus Christ, son of God and savior of humanity, confided Monday that He is not looking forward to His 2,000th birthday next year, saying... more»
Terrorist Bomb Not Defused In Thrilling, Suspense-Packed Final Minutes

issue 3544 | 12.01.99 | News

LONDON—An action-packed chase through the subway tunnels beneath London's famed Victoria Station, culminating in a climactic, pulse-pounding fight... more»
Ironic Porn Purchase Leads To Unironic Ejaculation

issue 3544 | 12.01.99 | News

WINNETKA, IL—A local man's ironic purchase of a humorously titled hardcore-porn video Saturday led to a sincere, earnest ejaculation devoid of any... more»
Divorced Man Forced To Get Back Down To Dating Weight

issue 3544 | 12.01.99 | News In Brief

SILVER SPRING, MD—Greg Geisinger, a 265-pound Wilmington man whose seven-year marriage ended in divorce earlier this month, must get back down to... more»
Area Man Dying To Tell Someone His Cool Password

issue 3544 | 12.01.99 | News In Brief

PUYALLUP, WA—Bob Aldridge, who last week became an America Online member, is dying to tell someone his cool password, the 31-year-old associate... more»
Anarchists Rise Up, Move To Different Cafeteria Table

issue 3544 | 12.01.99 | News In Brief

BATAVIA, NY—After years of working toward an ultimate goal of smashing the dominant social and political hierarchy, the Anarchy League of Batavia... more»
Police Uncover Talk-Show-Guest Mill In Rural Kentucky

issue 3544 | 12.01.99 | News In Brief

TOMPKINSVILLE, KY—After months of searching, Kentucky law-enforcement officials, working closely with federal authorities, discovered a massive,... more»
Roommate All Into Cycling Now

issue 3544 | 12.01.99 | News In Brief

IOWA CITY, IA—According to area resident Jonathan Radzinski, after two months of being completely into fencing, roommate Jeff Specht is suddenly... more»
Area Man To Ask His Doctor About Xenical, Propecia, Claritin, Paxil, Drixoral, Lipitor, Tavist-D

issue 3544 | 12.01.99 | News In Photos
Toilet That Uses 50 Percent Less Water Must Be Flushed Six Times

issue 3544 | 12.01.99 | News In Photos
How Many Atrocities Does It Take To Get Into USA Today?

issue 3544 | 12.01.99 | Commentary

I slaughter, and I slaughter, and I slaughter. And do I get any recognition for all my bloodshed? Nope. Since seizing power in Burundi in a 1996... more»
The Zweibel Prize

issue 3544 | 12.01.99 | Columnists

Years ago, when I was a young news-paper man and you were but a series of brutish animal impulses in your drunken great-grandfather's pants-creases,... more»
Ask A Woman Trying On Pants

issue 3544 | 12.01.99 | Advice

Cheryl Woods is a nationally syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Woman Trying On Pants, appears in more than 250... more»
Horoscope for the week of December 1, 1999

issue 3544 | 12.01.99 | Horoscopes

You will soon learn that it takes more to make a man a doctor than a sharp set of steak knives and a degree from a truck-driving school. more»
The E-vertising Boom

issue 3544 | 12.01.99 | Infographic

Every other commercial on TV these days seems to be plugging an Internet company. Why are so many web-based businesses turning to television... more»
Hot Holiday Toys

issue 3544 | 12.01.99 | Statshot
Prescription-Drug Prices

issue 3544 | 12.01.99 | What Do You Think?

Prescription-drug prices are expected to be a major issue in the 2000 presidential campaign, with most drugs costing substantially more in the U.S.... more»