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December 8, 1999 - December 14, 1999 | Issue 35•45

Area Man An Avid Weightgainer

MESQUITE, TX—Singlemindedly focused on his goal of adding inches to his stomach, thighs and hips, area resident Darren Steifler has for more than five years been an avid weightgainer. "I've worked hard and really seen results," said the 295-pound Steifler, 38, who describes himself as "much happier and more well-rounded" since beginning his weightgaining regimen in...

Clinton Blows Entire Paycheck

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—After refusing comment on the matter for days, President Clinton finally admitted Monday that he blew his most recent paycheck,... more»
Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | News

AL JIZAH, EGYPT—A team of British and Egyptian archaeologists made a stunning discovery Monday, unearthing several intact specimens of "skeleton... more»
Area Man Can Actually Feel The Advanced Vapor Action Working

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | News

ELMIRA, NY—Local resident Maurice Weathers enjoyed temporary relief from congestion and minor throat irritation Monday thanks to the fast-acting... more»
Octogenarian May Already Have Won Huge Cash Prize

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | News

POMPANO BEACH, FL—Beatrice Farmer, a Pompano Beach-area octogenarian, received notification Monday that she may already have won a huge cash prize. more»
CD Club Somehow Tracks Down Local Woman

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | News In Brief

CAMDEN, NJ—Despite moving four times in the past four years and switching credit cards twice, Liz Brower was somehow tracked down Monday by BMG... more»
Wondrous World Of Fishes Last Checked Out 4/17/67

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | News In Brief

INDIANOLA, MS—According to a report from a pair of bored teens, The Wondrous World Of Fishes was last checked out of the Indianola Public... more»
AAA Member Pulled First From Car Crash

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | News In Brief

YAKIMA, WA—American Automobile Association member Janet Klugh enjoyed one of the many perks of membership in the organization Monday, when she was... more»
Area Man Finally In Enough Pain To Go To Doctor

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | News In Brief

WICHITA FALLS, TX—After three days of steadily increasing discomfort, local resident James Furness, 46, was finally in enough pain Monday to have... more»
Entire House Implicated By Phish Poster

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | News In Brief

ALBANY, NY—A large Phish poster decorating the living room of a four-bedroom apartment on Broome Street has come under fire from the apartment's... more»
FBI Raids Fridge

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprise midnight raid Monday, FBI agents seized the contents of the break-room refrigerator in the J. Edgar Hoover FBI... more»
Xabraxian Astronomers Discover New Planet

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | News In Photos
Missing Kazakhstani Nukes Turn Up In Manhattan

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | News In Photos
This Town Ain't Big Enough For The Both Of Us, Unless We Can Reach Some Sort Of Mutually Acceptable Compromise

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | Commentary

I reckon everyone from Silver City to Carson's Gulch knows that you're here in my town, you sour-bellied varmint. And everyone knows that having two... more»
A Blessed Event

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | Columnists

I have just received a telegram from my mistress and sweet-heart, Miss Bernadette Fiske, that says she has given birth to a bouncing baby boy of my... more»
I'm The Proud Owner Of Gary Coleman's Spatula!

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | Columnists

Item! "Short-perstar" Gary Coleman is broke... and I'm the better for it! Out of money, the down-and-out Diff'rent Stroker recently put... more»
Horoscope for the week of December 8, 1999

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | Horoscopes

The ancient Japanese art of bonsai involves the pruning and binding of dwarf pines. It has nothing to do with what you do to those poor... more»
The Belfast Accord

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | Infographic

On Dec. 7, power in Northern Ireland was transferred from London to Belfast, ending 27 years of direct rule by Britain. What are the terms of the... more»
How Are We Coping With Our Crippling Depression And Loneliness?

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | Statshot
Pregame Prayer

issue 3545 | 12.08.99 | What Do You Think?

Citing separation of church and state, a Texas judge recently banned students at a Galveston high school from praying before home football games. The... more»