Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 15, 1999 - December 21, 1999 | Issue 35•46

Computer-Generated Talking Cat On TV Delights Iowa Woman

OTTUMWA, IA—A computer-manipulated talking cat in a commercial for Fresh Step cat litter thoroughly delighted Ottumwa resident Sheila Dagenhardt Monday. "Honey, you've got to come in here and see this ad!" Dagenhardt called out to husband Dale, who was in th...

Man Of The Millennium: Death

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | News

As humanity moves into the dawn of a new and uncertain future, we look back upon our collective past. In the annals of history, many... more»
Feds Uncover Secret Santa Ring

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | News

BLOOMINGTON, IN—The FBI arrested 34 people and seized $157 in small, tasteful presents Monday in what is believed to be the largest bust of a... more»
Eyes Removed In Violent Yearbook Attack

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | News In Brief

EVANSVILLE, IN—An unidentified eraser-wielding vandal rubbed out the eyes of graduating senior Paulette Conreid in Erika Franklin's personal copy... more»
Is Area Man Going To Finish Those Fries?

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | News In Brief

WICHITA FALLS, TX—Hey, man, is area resident Craig Goodwin all done with those fries? No? Okay, that's cool, but if the 26-year-old website... more»
Broncos, Jaguars Helmets Sustain Severe Damage In Monday Night Football Helmet Collision

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | News In Brief

JACKSONVILLE, FL—A pair of NFL helmets were severely damaged Monday in an explosive head-on collision during a broadcast of ABC's Monday Night... more»
Buchanan Reveals Thousands Of Americans Made In China

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | News In Brief

TOPEKA, KS—During a speech Monday before members of the Topeka VFW Hall, a concerned Pat Buchanan said that "hundreds of thousands" of U.S.... more»
World's Jews Celebrate Christmas With Ceremonial Re-Murdering Of Christ

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | News In Brief

JERUSALEM—As Christians everywhere celebrate the birth of Christ this holiday season, the world's approximately 14 million Jews are also... more»
Fruit Of Islam Cause Man To Soil Fruit Of Looms

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | News In Photos
Indian Casino Uses Every Part Of The Dollar

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | News In Photos
I Think I'm Such Hot Shit

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | Commentary

Boy, what is up with me? I strut around like I'm God's gift to the world or something. I think I'm so fascinating, I'm convinced everybody's just... more»
My Yule-Tide Absolutions

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | Columnists

Long-time readers of my column know that I am a vengeful and jealous man gifted with a fear-some wrath. I did not become the great news-paper-man I... more»
And Now, The Envelope Please... Presenting The Millennium Jeanie Awards!

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | Columnists

Well, with the millennium nearly over, just about every magazine and TV news show in the world seems to be coming out with some big... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: Life Begins At Conception vs. Life Begins At 40!

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | Point-Counterpoint

Life begins at the moment of conception. To say otherwise is not only to deny the word of God, but to defy science. An abortion takes the life of a... more»
Horoscope for the week of December 15, 1999

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | Horoscopes

You get the feeling God is trying to tell you something when you find little reminder notes all over your house written in all caps and signed "God." more»
The Mars Polar Lander

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | Infographic

On Dec. 7, NASA mysteriously lost all contact with the $165 million Mars Polar Lander. Among the leading theories as to what went wrong: more»
Most-Regretted Impluse Purchases

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | Statshot
The Little Cuban Boy

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | What Do You Think?

Elian Gonzalez, a 6-year-old Cuban boy, is the subject of a bitter international custody battle. Found at sea on Nov. 25, two days after his mother... more»
Y2K Survival Tips

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | Tips

With the new millennium nearly upon us, here are some handy tips to help prepare you for what may lie ahead: more»