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December 22, 1999 - December 28, 1999 | Issue 35•47

Local Church Spends Six Weeks Organizing Excruciatingly Tedious "Fun Fair"

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Six weeks of meticulous planning and preparation by the clergy and congregation of Sacred Heart Catholic Church culminated Saturday in an excruciatingly tedious Fun Fair. "The whole parish has been pitching in for weeks to make this event a reality,"said Father Ear...

Nation's Schoolchildren Call For Cuts In Math, Science Funding

issue 3547 | 12.22.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Kimberly Neesin, 10, suggested that the education budget would be better spent on more field trips. more»
No Seven-Headed Dragon Rising In East

issue 3547 | 12.22.99 | News

JERUSALEM—The international theological and sociopolitical communities reacted with shock Monday to the unexpected realization that, contrary to... more»
Energetic Self-Starter Instantly Despised By Co-Workers

issue 3547 | 12.22.99 | News

CHARLOTTE, NC—Timothy Benson, 27, a self-described "fast learner and motivated self-starter," showed up for his first day of work at Williams &... more»
Woman On TV Engulfed In Animated Credit-Card Bills

issue 3547 | 12.22.99 | News In Brief

BRISTOL, TN—Officials from United Home Lenders were summoned Monday to the aid of homeowner Tanya Irving, who was sighted at 3:12 a.m. straining... more»
Book Given As Gift Actually Read

issue 3547 | 12.22.99 | News In Brief

LONG BEACH, CA—The nation's publishing industry was rocked by Monday's news that a book given as a holiday gift was actually read and enjoyed by... more»
Couple Always Like This

issue 3547 | 12.22.99 | News In Brief

QUINCY, MA—Longtime couple Scott Pfaff and Lisa Baumgartner have pretty much always been like this, sources close to the pair revealed Monday.... more»
New Jersey Supreme Court Rules The Bastard Had It Coming

issue 3547 | 12.22.99 | News In Brief

TRENTON, NJ—By a 6-1 decision Monday, the New Jersey Supreme Court overturned the murder conviction of Secaucus auto mechanic Joseph Delavecchia,... more»
Beautiful Nurse Gives Teen Enema

issue 3547 | 12.22.99 | News In Brief

HUNTINGTON, WV—A routine stay at Huntington General Hospital turned humiliating Monday, when Bradley Fiddich, 17, received an enema from shapely,... more»
Report: Much Of U.S. Still Underpaved

issue 3547 | 12.22.99 | News In Photos
Area Teen Receives $2 From Grandma

issue 3547 | 12.22.99 | News In Photos
I Can't Seem To Make My Apartment A Safe Space For Women

issue 3547 | 12.22.99 | Commentary

Like many single guys these days, I'm rather proud of my apartment. It's in a decent building, the furniture's tasteful, and I keep it nice and... more»
We Are Not Properly Following Robert's Rules Of Order

issue 3547 | 12.22.99 | Commentary

There is a plague of indolence across our land. Time is being wasted, bad decisions are being made. This would not be such a crime if the tools to... more»
Another Lousy Christ-mas

issue 3547 | 12.22.99 | Columnists

How appropriate, during the season in which we celebrate the glorious nativity of our Holy Savior the Christ-Child, that I found my-self the proud... more»
Horoscope for the week of December 22, 1999

issue 3547 | 12.22.99 | Horoscopes

Though you will soon find yourself sharing an exciting cross-country road trip with Jerry Reed and a lop-eared basset hound, it's not what you think. more»
You're A Good Man, Charles Schulz

issue 3547 | 12.22.99 | Infographic

After being diagnosed with colon cancer, 77-year-old "Peanuts" creator Charles Schulz recently accounced his retirement. What were his most popular... more»
What's The Only Flaw In Our Ingenious Plan?

issue 3547 | 12.22.99 | Statshot
Homelessness Crackdown

issue 3547 | 12.22.99 | What Do You Think?

In addition to New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's controversial order for arrests of the homeless, many city officials are passing legislation to... more»