Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 19, 2000 - January 25, 2000 | Issue 36•01

Area Sales Rep Played A Little Football Back In College

LIVONIA, MI–Following a discussion of the Detroit Lions with a potential customer Monday, Kwik-Kool Heating & Air Conditioning sales representative Kevin Resnick mentioned that he played a little football back in college. "Speaking of football, I used to toss the pigskin around a bit myself," the 36-year-old told Little Red Barn Plush Toys CEO Grant Nussbaum, who...

Cousin Oliver To Join White House For Last Year Of Clinton Presidency

issue 3601 | 01.19.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–President Clinton announced Monday that he has invited his tow-headed 8-year-old cousin Oliver to live with him at the White House... more»
Stemke Family Murder Rate Lowest In 20 Years

issue 3601 | 01.19.00 | News

BELVIDERE, IL—According to local residents, there's been a lot less killing since old Dale Stemke passed on. more»
Important Christmas Lessons Already Forgotten

issue 3601 | 01.19.00 | News

HARTFORD, CT–As the nation moves on from last month's family gatherings, churchgoing, and goodwill toward men, the annual post-Christmas... more»
Olympic Bronze Medalist To Appear In Flintstones On Ice

issue 3601 | 01.19.00 | News In Brief

DETROIT–Kristin Hammond, figure-skating bronze medalist at the 1998 Nagano Winter Olympics, will once again dazzle skating fans in Flintstones... more»
Bathroom-Disinfectant Ad Reinforces Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

issue 3601 | 01.19.00 | News In Brief

WENATCHEE, WA–A TV commercial for Lysol Bathroom Disinfectant Spray sent OCD sufferer Janine Whittaker plunging even deeper into the disorder... more»
Goddamn Ficus Plant Should Come With Instructions

issue 3601 | 01.19.00 | News In Brief

ALBUQUERQUE, NM–According to area resident Howard Braddock, 44, the goddamn ficus plant in the sun room ought to come with some basic fucking... more»
AOL Acquires Time-Warner In Largest-Ever Expenditure Of Pretend Internet Money

issue 3601 | 01.19.00 | News In Brief

DULLES, VA–In the largest merger of imaginary assets in corporate history, Internet giant America Online last week acquired media megacorp... more»
Millennium Actually Starts In 2001, Terrorists Note

issue 3601 | 01.19.00 | News In Brief

DAMASCUS, SYRIA–With the world breathing a collective sigh of relief following the violence-free passage into the year 2000, an international... more»
Definition Of Fudge-tastic Stretched

issue 3601 | 01.19.00 | News In Photos
Area Man Boasts 33 Percent More Self-Absorbency

issue 3601 | 01.19.00 | News In Photos
I Have Nothing To Say To You, Helen

issue 3601 | 01.19.00 | Commentary

You went too far, Helen. You really crossed the line this time. If you think that I am going to waste my time trying to explain to you why what you... more»
The Plumbing Business Is Not As Glamorous As The Porn Industry Depicts

issue 3601 | 01.19.00 | Commentary

Plumbing is really a pretty good career, as careers go. The pay's decent, the work's steady, and you get the satisfaction of a job well done. As a... more»
I Believe I Shall Destroy The Stock Market Again

issue 3601 | 01.19.00 | Columnists

Yesterday, I was listening to Beavers, my aide-de-camp and advisor in matters financial, narrate the financial abstract of my vast personal fortune... more»
Horoscope for the week of January 19, 2000

issue 3601 | 01.19.00 | Horoscopes

Looking back, you can't figure out how a win/win situation turned into a win/be savaged by wild boars situation. more»
The Influenza Outbreak

issue 3601 | 01.19.00 | Infographic

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are reporting a record outbreak of illness as the flu sweeps the country. What are the effects of the... more»
Where Are We Conceiving?

issue 3601 | 01.19.00 | Statshot
Off His Rocker?

issue 3601 | 01.19.00 | What Do You Think?

In a recent Sports Illustrated article, Atlanta Braves relief pitcher John Rocker called a Latin-American teammate "a fat monkey," insulted... more»