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January 26, 2000 - February 1, 2000 | Issue 36•02

Local Airhead Wants To Work With Kids

KENANSVILLE, NC–Local airhead Tara Shore, a newly enrolled student at James Sprunt Community College, announced Monday that she "totally want[s] to work with kids." "Children are so important because, if you think about it, they're our future," the 20-year-old Shore said. "Kids have the biggest hearts, and if we just give them the freedom to dream and explore, they...

Bush Reaches Out To Hispanic Community With Generous Tip

issue 3602 | 01.26.00 | News

CHULA VISTA, CA–Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush extended a hand of friendship to the nation's Hispanic community Monday, leaving a... more»
Teen Drug Use Traced To Ineffective PSAs

issue 3602 | 01.26.00 | News

SAN FRANCISCO–Though much progress has been made, teen drug use remains rampant in American society. The overall level of use among adolescents may... more»
Area Man Consults Internet Whenever Possible

issue 3602 | 01.26.00 | News

COLUMBUS, OH—Larry Wisniewski, 36, turns to the Internet for information whenever humanly possible. more»
Movie Fails To Deliver Stupidity Promised in Preview

issue 3602 | 01.26.00 | News In Brief

HERMOSA BEACH, CA–A weekend trip to the movies ended in disappointment Saturday, when the new Paramount Pictures comedy Don't Be Cruel... more»
Area Supervisor Hates To Break Up Little Party

issue 3602 | 01.26.00 | News In Brief

ARLINGTON, TX–With profound regret, departmental supervisor Peter Dunckel forced an informal gathering to disband at Arlington Printing & Design... more»
Mother, Daughter Exchange Encoded Menstruation-Related Message Over Dinner Table

issue 3602 | 01.26.00 | News In Brief

SCRANTON, PA–Jodi Eckhardt, 15, and her mother Colleen covertly communicated a top-secret menses-related message across the dinner table Monday,... more»
'Greatest Story Ever Told' Has Gimmicky Deus Ex Machina Ending

issue 3602 | 01.26.00 | News In Brief

NEW HAVEN, CT–According to a Yale University literature professor, the tale of Christ's life–the so-called "Greatest Story Ever Told"–is... more»
Unpopular Student Ridiculed Mercilessly In Teacher's Lounge

issue 3602 | 01.26.00 | News In Brief

KNOXVILLE, TN–Doug Durbin, an overweight, unpopular seventh-grader at Lakeview Middle School, was mercilessly mocked Tuesday by faculty members in... more»
Your Neighbors: Should You Consider Talking To Them?

issue 3602 | 01.26.00 | News In Photos
Hair Carefully Disheveled In 20-Minute Ritual

issue 3602 | 01.26.00 | News In Photos
I Just Can't Keep Up With My Better Homes And Gardens Subscription

issue 3602 | 01.26.00 | Commentary

Try as I may, I just can't seem to keep up with my Better Homes And Gardens subscription. The magazine comes only once a month, but I'll be... more»
New Year's Eve Bit The Big One

issue 3602 | 01.26.00 | Columnists

Hola amigos. What's goin' down in your part of town? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but, man, you wouldn't believe how deep the... more»
Son Of Zweibel Strikes Again

issue 3602 | 01.26.00 | Columnists

Yesterday morning, Standish brought a letter from my fiancée, Miss Bernadette Fiske. I was so excited to get it, I pissed my swaddling-wraps clean... more»
Ask The Cheat Guide To BloodLair

issue 3602 | 01.26.00 | Advice

The Cheat Guide To BloodLair is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose column, Ask The Cheat Guide To BloodLair, appears in more than... more»
Horoscope for the week of January 26, 2000

issue 3602 | 01.26.00 | Horoscopes

The stars say your fear of suitcase-sized nuclear weapons is irrational. You should actually be worried about conventional bombs the size of a tank... more»
Yoga Mania

issue 3602 | 01.26.00 | Infographic

Popular in the 1970s, yoga is once again all the rage. Why are so many people turning to this age-old set of exercises? more»
Catchphrases That Never Caught On

issue 3602 | 01.26.00 | Statshot
Confederate-Flag Controversy

issue 3602 | 01.26.00 | What Do You Think?

On Jan. 17, more than 47,000 people marched on South Carolina's Statehouse to protest the flying of the Confederate flag over the capitol dome. What... more»