Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 2, 2000 - February 8, 2000 | Issue 36•03

X-Files Fan Killed For Knowing Too Much

EUGENE, OR–Mounting evidence in the murder case of Roy Bannister, the 27-year-old X-Files fan whose body was found beaten beyond recognition in his home Sunday, strongly suggests that he was killed for "knowing too much" about the long-running Fox series, investigators said Tuesday. "He knew everything about that show–who was conspiring with whom, where the...

Local Prostitutes Eagerly Await Dentists' Convention

issue 3603 | 02.02.00 | News

LAS VEGAS—The four-day event is expected to pump an estimated $75,000 into the streetwalking economy. more»
Giant Cockroach In Bathroom 'A Harrowing,Kafkaesque Experience,' Grad Student Says

issue 3603 | 02.02.00 | News

NEW YORK–A routine toothbrushing turned into a profound exercise in nightmarish, existential horror Monday, when poverty-stricken Columbia... more»
Report: Rich Consistently Outearning Poor

issue 3603 | 02.02.00 | News

WORCESTER, MA–A study released Monday by the Institute For Statistical-Data Quantification brings to light "disturbing" new findings regarding the... more»
New Hampshire Returns To Obscurity

issue 3603 | 02.02.00 | News In Brief

CONCORD, NH–After a brief stint in the national spotlight, the Granite State returned to its usual state of obscurity Tuesday following the... more»
Office Politician Runs For Coffee

issue 3603 | 02.02.00 | News In Brief

DENVER–In a move his critics are decrying as "a bald-faced ploy to get in good with the secretarial pool," Conroy Plastics & Polymers office... more»
Local Homemaker Fights To Overcome Rubbermaid™ Addiction

issue 3603 | 02.02.00 | News In Brief

ELGIN, IL–Members of the Schiller family reported Monday that homemaker Caryn Schiller, 43, is struggling with a severe Rubbermaid™ addiction.... more»
Coworker Obsessively Checks E-Mail Every Couple Of Minutes

issue 3603 | 02.02.00 | News In Brief

ARLINGTON, TX–According to adjacent-cubicle sources, Midwest Insurance employee Benjamin Vance checks his e-mail every two minutes. "That little... more»
Roommate's Boyfriend Drinking Yet Another Can Of Soda

issue 3603 | 02.02.00 | News In Brief

SANTA CRUZ, CA–According to University of California–Santa Cruz sophomore Jessica Lenzi, the new boyfriend of roommate Andrea Bloch is drinking... more»
Elizabeth Taylor Watches Cleopatra Alone In Dark

issue 3603 | 02.02.00 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES–Sitting alone in a darkened screening room in her secluded mansion atop the Hollywood Hills, actress Elizabeth Taylor watched... more»
Nabisco Discontinues Wheat Thicks

issue 3603 | 02.02.00 | News In Photos
Voice Of Patrick Stewart Lends Air Of Legitimacy

issue 3603 | 02.02.00 | News In Photos
Thanks For Dedicating That Mediocre Sitcom Episode To My Memory

issue 3603 | 02.02.00 | Commentary

Well, it's been two weeks now since my fatal heart attack, and all I can say is, thanks, guys. Thanks so much for honoring my 56 years of life on... more»
There's No Such Thing As A Free Seminar On How To Buy Distressed Properties For No Money Down

issue 3603 | 02.02.00 | Commentary

Man, am I chagrined. I really thought my ship had come in. more»
The Importance Of The Vote

issue 3603 | 02.02.00 | Columnists

It has been brought to my attention that I should advise my tallow-headed readership on the importance of occupying the voting-stalls in the coming... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 2, 2000

issue 3603 | 02.02.00 | Horoscopes

Your next-door neighbor continues to pull her blinds down every night. Perhaps she's trying to hide something. more»
World Writing Federation

issue 3603 | 02.02.00 | Infographic

WWF stars Mankind and The Rock had bestselling bios in 1999, and volumes by Goldberg and other pro wrestlers are on the way. Why are these books so... more»
Top Inspirational, Computer-Generated Super Bowl Ads

issue 3603 | 02.02.00 | Statshot
The War In Chechnya

issue 3603 | 02.02.00 | What Do You Think?

During last week's State Of The Union Address, President Clinton called upon Russia to pull out of Chechnya, where, for the past six months, war has... more»