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February 9, 2000 - February 15, 2000 | Issue 36•04

Regulation Spitefully Obeyed To The Letter

GARLAND, TX–A regulation at a local Softee Loaf bread factory was spitefully obeyed to the letter Tuesday, when assembly-line employee Derek Giels, 48, acted in full accordance with stupid company regulations and dutifully submitted his eighth goddamn "Notification Of Lost Or Damaged Materials" form. "That stinking machine chews up one of them rolls of plastic 10...

Women: Why Don't They Lose Some Weight?

issue 3604 | 02.09.00 | News

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NFL Star Thanks Jesus After Successful Double Homicide

issue 3604 | 02.09.00 | News

CHARLESTON, SC–Washington Redskins defensive end D'Aundré Banks gave "all thanks and praise to my personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ" Monday... more»
Amazing New 'Swiffer' Fails To Fill The Void

issue 3604 | 02.09.00 | News

CINCINNATI–The blank, oppressive void facing the American consumer populace remains unfilled today, despite the recent launch of the revolutionary... more»
Area Man Constantly Mentioning He Doesn't Own A Television

issue 3604 | 02.09.00 | News

CHAPEL HILL, NC–Area resident Jonathan Green does not own a television, a fact he repeatedly points out to friends, family, and coworkers–as well... more»
Compliment Suspiciously Vague

issue 3604 | 02.09.00 | News In Brief

ST. CHARLES, MO–According to area secretary Iris Sheehan, co-worker Ellen Higgins' compliment of her new hairstyle was suspiciously vague. "I asked... more»
Sole Survivor Of Air Crash Has Asia's 'Sole Survivor' Stuck In Head

issue 3604 | 02.09.00 | News In Brief

PORT HUENEME, CA–Ronald DeGaetano, sole survivor of the Jan. 31 Alaska Airlines crash that claimed 88 lives, has had the 1982 Asia song "Sole... more»
Police Seek Suspect In Series Of Random Later Hostings

issue 3604 | 02.09.00 | News In Brief

BURBANK, CA–The Burbank Police Department is on the trail of an unnamed NBC executive believed to be responsible for a string of random Later... more»
Dental Hygienist Angered By Lack Of Flossing

issue 3604 | 02.09.00 | News In Brief

SCOTTSDALE, AZ–Dental hygienist Bernadette Gable was angered Tuesday by patient Richard Tepfer's failure to floss regularly. "Just look at all this... more»
Grandma Still Swallowing Okay, Grandpa Reports

issue 3604 | 02.09.00 | News In Brief

BOCA RATON, FL–In an encouraging report issued Monday by Grandpa, Grandma is still swallowing okay. "Yes, Grandma is getting her food down fine,"... more»
Alan Keyes Admits: 'I Just Enjoy Campaigning'

issue 3604 | 02.09.00 | News In Brief

AIKEN, SC–Following a speech Monday at the Rotary Club of Aiken, two-time Republican presidential candidate Alan Keyes admitted that he "just... more»
Mars Lander Staggers Into NASA Headquarters Drunk, Broke

issue 3604 | 02.09.00 | News In Photos
Employee Owned And Operated

issue 3604 | 02.09.00 | News In Photos
As You Can See From My Name-Brand Clothing, I Am Not Poor

issue 3604 | 02.09.00 | Commentary

Just because I happen to live with my four brothers and sisters in my mom's two-bedroom South Side apartment, work at Taco Bell, and don't have a... more»
It's The First February Of The New Millennium!

issue 3604 | 02.09.00 | Columnists

Happiest of new years to everyone! I hope all of you had a good New Year's Eve and are enjoying this exciting time in human history, the first... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2000

issue 3604 | 02.09.00 | Horoscopes

You find yourself shunned by friends when you join a tiny group that believes in such strange, unseen forces as "gravity" and... more»
The Oxygen Network

issue 3604 | 02.09.00 | Infographic

Oxygen, an Oprah Winfrey-led media venture geared toward women, recently launched a new cable-TV network. What are some of the programs airing on the... more»
What Are We Excluding From Our Résumés?

issue 3604 | 02.09.00 | Statshot
The Bank Of Wal-Mart

issue 3604 | 02.09.00 | What Do You Think?

The Treasury Department recently issued a new $1 Sacajawea coin, which is only available at banks and Wal-Mart. What do you think about the... more»