Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 16, 2000 - February 22, 2000 | Issue 36•05

Demographers Postulate Existence Of Life Forms Over 35

NEW YORK–The international demographic community is reeling Monday following an announcement by scientists at the prestigious Massachusetts Institute of Demography suggesting the possibility of human life in the over-35 age range–a vast, mysterious, youthless area long thought to exist only in the realm of myth. MID's Franklin Davies, a consumer-tracking...

Consumer Safety Commission Fondly Recalls Stretch Armstrong Doll

issue 3605 | 02.16.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling it "a genuine safety risk" and "so totally awesome," the CPSC recalled the hazardous, way-cool doll. more»
Russia To Consult With Wise Old Woman Of Woods

issue 3605 | 02.16.00 | News

MOSCOW—Vladimir Putin has been wandering the woods in search of Baba Mat, who can be both benign and malevolent. more»
New Mommy A Lot Prettier

issue 3605 | 02.16.00 | News

BUTLER, PA—According to Courtney and Brady Leuchter, their new mommy doesn't even make them turn off the Nintendo. more»
Woman Doomed To Years Of Hippo-Themed Gifts

issue 3605 | 02.16.00 | News In Brief

JACKSONVILLE, FL–Remarking, "Oh, I love hippos!" upon receiving a birthday gift of a porcelain hippopotamus, area resident Karen Voldstead doomed... more»
World Gets First-Ever Look Inside Greenspan Fantasy Ranch

issue 3605 | 02.16.00 | News In Brief

YORBA LINDA, CA–In an exclusive, first-ever peek inside the fabled estate, CNNfn cameras were allowed onto the grounds of Fiscalypso, Federal... more»
Use Of Organic Peanut Butter Adds Two Minutes To Local Man's Life

issue 3605 | 02.16.00 | News In Brief

BERKELEY, CA–Vincent Dunst, manager of a Berkeley-area food cooperative, has added two minutes to his life by consuming organic peanut butter... more»
Clinton's Sight Restored

issue 3605 | 02.16.00 | News In Brief

BETHESDA, MD–In a groundbreaking six-hour operation Monday, doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital successfully restored President Clinton's eyesight.... more»
Boss Waxes Nostalgic About Sexual-Harassment Suit

issue 3605 | 02.16.00 | News In Brief

CLEVELAND–With a puckish gleam in his eye, Northcentral Insurance vice-president Henry McClellan reminisced Monday about his highly publicized... more»
Genuine Happiness Now Seen Only On Game Shows

issue 3605 | 02.16.00 | News In Photos
Salvation Army Clothing Drop-Off Choked With Stirrup Pants

issue 3605 | 02.16.00 | News In Photos
They Finally Got The TV Schedule Exactly Right

issue 3605 | 02.16.00 | Commentary

It sure took those network programmers long enough. But better late than never, I suppose. more»
What The Hell Did I Cram In My Anus Last Night?

issue 3605 | 02.16.00 | Commentary

Oooooh. Gahhh. I'm really paying for it this time. more»
Pater Is Haunting Me Again

issue 3605 | 02.16.00 | Columnists

Aaaagggghhhh! Nurse, nurse, help! Help! The ghost of my late father, Herman Ulysses Zweibel, is haunting me again! Help! Murder! Police! more»
Horoscope for the week of February 16, 2000

issue 3605 | 02.16.00 | Horoscopes

Stop telling everybody you live in a gated community. No matter how you try to dress it up, it's still jail. more»
The New Yorker's 75th

issue 3605 | 02.16.00 | Infographic

The New Yorker turns 75 next month. How is the staff of the venerable magazine celebrating? more»
Losing Junior-High Science-Fair Projects

issue 3605 | 02.16.00 | Statshot
Too Sexy Too Soon?

issue 3605 | 02.16.00 | What Do You Think?

A new wave of sultry teen pop princesses, including Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Mandy Moore, are drawing fire from concerned parents, who... more»