Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 23, 2000 - February 29, 2000 | Issue 36•06

Pathetic Goal Reached

INKSTER, MI–Pathetic local man Edwin Horton's hope of becoming slightly less pathetic came one step closer to reality Wednesday, in a way, depending on how you look at it, when the part-time mailroom clerk and fern enthusiast achieved his pathetic goal of coming up with one "positive daily affirmation of selfhood" for seven consecutive days. The pathetic goal, Horton...

Senate Candidate Drops Out Of Race Due To Shyness

issue 3606 | 02.23.00 | News

KNOXVILLE, TN—Donald Miller told his campaign manager to tell the people that Tennessee would be better off with a more confident, outgoing... more»
Israelites Sue God For Breach Of Covenant

issue 3606 | 02.23.00 | News

NEW YORK–Attorneys representing the Tribe of Abraham filed suit against God in New York's Southern District Court Monday, citing 117 specific... more»
Affluent White Man Enjoys, Causes The Blues

issue 3606 | 02.23.00 | News

HIGHLAND PARK, IL–Steve Smalls, a senior vice-president at Chicago's Alliance Manufacturing, the world's largest producer of industrial... more»
Witty Remark Repeated Throughout Week

issue 3606 | 02.23.00 | News In Brief

HIBBING, MN–According to coworkers at Hibbing Vacuum Repair & Supply, all week long, Ed Andersen has been repeating a witty remark he made Monday.... more»
Cocktail-Party Guest Cornered By Joel Stein

issue 3606 | 02.23.00 | News In Brief

NEW YORK–An innocent Upper West Side cocktail party turned tragic Tuesday, when journalist Michael Conlon found himself cornered by Time... more»
Innocent Man Unrepentant

issue 3606 | 02.23.00 | News In Brief

WARNER ROBINS, GA–Dwayne Worley, wrongly accused in the brutal Feb. 11 slaying of two Warner Robins teens, showed "not the slightest remorse"... more»
Converse High Tops Reveal TV Character's Eccentric Personality

issue 3606 | 02.23.00 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES–"Wally," the wacky-neighbor character on the ABC sitcom Mixing It Up, is identifiable as offbeat and eccentric by his red... more»
Area 31-Year-Old Can't Believe 'You Must Be Born Before This Date To Buy Cigarettes' Sign Up To 1982

issue 3606 | 02.23.00 | News In Brief

KIRKLAND, WA–Purchasing a pack of Camel Reds at a local convenience store, 31-year-old Kirkland resident Andy Belfour announced Monday that he... more»
Vending-Machine Snack Fails To Deploy

issue 3606 | 02.23.00 | News In Photos
Custodian Taken Into Custody

issue 3606 | 02.23.00 | News In Photos
That Female Looks Capable Of Passing On My Genetic Material

issue 3606 | 02.23.00 | Commentary

Whoa, mama. Time out. Will you take a look at what just stepped up to the bar? Those hips. Those legs. Those breasts. That is one seriously... more»
My Mind Is As Sharp As It Ever Was

issue 3606 | 02.23.00 | Columnists

As I grow increasingly ancient, and therefore more prone to the rapacious violations of that great pervert Father Time, I become imprisoned in my own... more»
Who Wants To Be A Jeanketeer?

issue 3606 | 02.23.00 | Columnists

Okay, kids, sharpen your pencils and get out a piece of paper, because it's pop-quiz time! I know, I know: You're all thinking, "Pop quiz? We read... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 23, 2000

issue 3606 | 02.23.00 | Horoscopes

Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report will contain evidence to the contrary. more»
Soaring Gas Prices

issue 3606 | 02.23.00 | Infographic

The price of gasoline has shot up in the recent weeks. How are Americans coping with the added expense? more»
Top-Selling Alcohol Under $5

issue 3606 | 02.23.00 | Statshot
Negative Campaigning

issue 3606 | 02.23.00 | What Do You Think?

Negative campaigning has emerged as a major issue in the presidential primaries, particularly on the Republican side, where George W. Bush and John... more»
Stop Smoking Tips

issue 3606 | 02.23.00 | Tips

Millions of Americans are addicted to smoking. If you are among them but don't want to be, here are some tips to help you kick the habit. more»