Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 1, 2000 - March 7, 2000 | Issue 36•07

All Of Family's Neuroses Projected Onto Dog

FLAGSTAFF, AZ–"Mommy, Woofers is lonely out there in the doghouse! He wants to come in and play!" says attention-starved Billy Tobin, 10. "That dog doesn't care about being in this house! He just wants to run around," counters mother Janet Tobin, 44, an unhappily married homemaker. "Will you two be quiet? All that poor dog wants is to be left alone!" says Bob...

FBI To Require Background Checks For Child-Care Providers

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Taking measures to improve the safety and welfare of America's children, the FBI unveiled a sweeping new program Monday mandating... more»
Nation's Teens Disappointed By Banned Books

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Huckleberry Finn, Slaughterhouse Five, and The Catcher In The Rye are just a few of the many banned books to... more»
Area Girlfriend Still Hasn't Seen Apocalypse Now

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | News

AZUSA, CA—In a discovery that may put his relationship in jeopardy, Mark Tillich learned his girlfriend has never seen Apocalypse Now. more»
Comedian Confesses To Killing Them Out There

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | News

ROYAL OAK, MI—Stand-up comedian Tony Campanelli admitted that he really knocked 'em dead. more»
CNN Headline News Reporter Unafraid To Face The Cold, Hard Factoids

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | News In Brief

ATLANTA–In an interview in the March issue of Brill's Content, CNN Headline News anchor Lynne Russell described herself as "committed to... more»
Alex Trebek Deftly Prolongs Agonizing Small Talk

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | News In Brief

BURBANK, CA–Alex Trebek, host of the popular quiz show Jeopardy, deftly prolonged a mid-show chat with contestant Paula Riel into an... more»
Local Welder Suffering From Welder's Block

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | News In Brief

EASTON, PA–Area welder Bruce Meacham admitted Monday that he is suffering from a severe case of welder's block. "I know what I want to do," Meacham... more»
Hillary's Last Name Dropped From Senate Race

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | News In Brief

ONEONTA, NY–Ending weeks of speculation, Hillary Clinton's campaign manager confirmed Monday that the Democratic candidate is dropping her last... more»
Bag Of Potatoes Desperately Searching For Dirt

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | News In Brief

OWOSSO, MI–The potatoes in a 10-pound bag of Michigan Pride Russets were discovered in the throes of death Monday, sprouting roots from their eyes... more»
Mommy Not Moving

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | News In Brief

ST. LOUIS–According to 4-year-old Ashley Theiss, Mommy is not moving. Mommy, a 36-year-old St. Louis-area pretty lady, has reportedly been sleeping... more»
Beanie Baby Collection Stares At Owner With 226 Cold, Dead Eyes

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | News In Photos
Artist Starving For A Reason

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | News In Photos
People Don't Like It When You Call Them Stupid

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | Commentary

Boy, you try to help people out, but sometimes they can just be so sensitive. Especially over a little thing like being called stupid. more»
An Open Letter To Pope Pius X

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | Columnists

Dear Pope Pius, or Leo, or Boniface, or what-ever you're calling your-self these days, more»
Ask A Close Personal Friend Of Teri Garr

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | Advice

Caryn Shore is a syndicated advice columnist whose column, Ask A Close Personal Friend Of Teri Garr, appears in more than 250 newspapers... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 1, 2000

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | Horoscopes

Your love is a burning love, one whose tremendous depth and strength is not to be denied. Too bad it's a love of pancakes. more»
Windows 2000

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | Infographic

Microsoft recently released its new Windows 2000. What are some of the features of the new operating system? more»
How Are We Seeking Attention?

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | Statshot
Violence On Ice

issue 3607 | 03.01.00 | What Do You Think?

On Feb. 21, Boston Bruins defenseman Marty McSorley was suspended for the rest of the season for a savage stick hit to the head of Vancouver Canucks... more»