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March 8, 2000 - March 14, 2000 | Issue 36•08

Area Father Praised For Helping Raise Family

EDINA, MN–Jim Gustafson, a 33-year-old Edina sales manager, is winning widespread acclaim for helping to raise his own children. "He's truly a remarkable father," said next-door neighbor Sandra Nickles, watching Gustafson head off in the family minivan Monday to pick up his two children, Dylan, 4, and Anne Marie, 5, from daycare. "You just don't see too many fathers...

Bush 'Refuses To Dignify' Mass-Murder Allegations

issue 3608 | 03.08.00 | News

SUNNYVALE, CA–Telling reporters and critics to "stick to the issues that matter," Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush declined to... more»
Survey: Less Than One Percent Of Pedestrians Gots 50 Cent For The Bus

issue 3608 | 03.08.00 | News

DETROIT–According to survey results released Monday by the American Panhandlers Association, less than one percent of U.S. pedestrians gots 50 cent... more»
Area 36-Year-Old Still Has Occasional Lidsville Nightmare

issue 3608 | 03.08.00 | News

BOWLING GREEN, KY–Though their frequency has decreased since childhood, 36-year-old graphic designer Pete Meijer still suffers from occasional... more»
Real-Life Family Feud Offers No Fabulous Cash Prizes

issue 3608 | 03.08.00 | News In Brief

LAS CRUCES, NM–Unlike the popular, long-running game show Family Feud, the real-life family feud among members of Las Cruces' DeCinces... more»
Football Fan Disappointed By 'Super Tuesday'

issue 3608 | 03.08.00 | News In Brief

ROCHESTER, NY–Robert Wychorski, a Rochester-area football fan, expressed disappointment in Super Tuesday, calling it "a pale shadow of Super... more»
Kansas Changes Spelling Of Name To 'Cannsas'; 'It Looks Cooler That Way,' Governor Says

issue 3608 | 03.08.00 | News In Brief

TOPEKA, KS–Calling the old spelling "totally lame," the Kansas legislature voted Monday to change the state's name to "Cannsas," effective... more»
Ex-Marine Says This Rain Nothing

issue 3608 | 03.08.00 | News In Brief

BESSEMER CITY, NC–According to area resident Larry Bohannon, 33, a member of the U.S. Marine Corps for seven years, this rain is nothing. "You call... more»
Fox Voluntarily Removes Reality From Programming

issue 3608 | 03.08.00 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES–Responding to public outcry over its controversial reality-based shows, Fox announced Monday that it is removing all reality from its... more»
Spokeswoman Gives Birth To Spokeschild

issue 3608 | 03.08.00 | News In Photos
Neighbor Bragging About 20-Pound Box He FedExed

issue 3608 | 03.08.00 | News In Photos
I Enjoy Yelling Things

issue 3608 | 03.08.00 | Commentary

You'd think, judging from the way people react, that a good old-fashioned screaming at the top of one's lungs in the middle of the supermarket is... more»
I Wish I Were One Of TV's Golden Girls

issue 3608 | 03.08.00 | Commentary

Ever since my fall, I've been watching a lot more TV. It's lucky, too, because I've discovered the most delightful new show. It's called The... more»
My Employees Of The Month

issue 3608 | 03.08.00 | Columnists

As an Onion reader, you know God-damned well that I did not rise to the position of Publisher by relying on you barely literate, gape-jawed... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 8, 2000

issue 3608 | 03.08.00 | Horoscopes

Your refusal to observe the dress code at work may soon get you fired. Perhaps you should admit that one doesn't need a suit and tie to wash dishes. more»
Spring Break 2000

issue 3608 | 03.08.00 | Infographic

How do America's college students plan to spend their upcoming Spring Break? more»
Who Aren't We Inviting To Our Dinner Parties?

issue 3608 | 03.08.00 | Statshot
The Diallo Verdict

issue 3608 | 03.08.00 | What Do You Think?

On Feb. 25, four NYPD officers were acquitted in the shooting of Amadou Diallo, a West African immigrant who died a year ago when he was shot 19... more»
Poison-Prevention Tips

issue 3608 | 03.08.00 | Tips

Here are some helpful tips to reduce the risk of poisoning and know what to do in case it occurs: more»