Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 15, 2000 - March 21, 2000 | Issue 36•09

Parents Of Nasal Learners Demand Odor-Based Curriculum

COLUMBUS, OH–Backed by olfactory-education experts, parents of nasal learners are demanding that U.S. public schools provide odor-based curricula for their academically struggling children. "Despite the proliferation of countless scholastic tests intended to identify children with special needs, the challenges facing nasal learners continue to be ignored," said Delia...

Executive Quits Fast Track To Spend More Time With Possessions

issue 3609 | 03.15.00 | News

HOUSTON—Edwin Randle, 51-year-old father of three, left his job Monday, saying that he missed his luxury goods. more»
Suicide Attempts A Desperate Cry For Death

issue 3609 | 03.15.00 | News

BOSTON–Mental-health professionals have long characterized attempted suicide as a desperate cry for help, the last-ditch plea of a wounded soul... more»
Federal Government Introduces Six New Sizzlin' Skillet Breakfasts

issue 3609 | 03.15.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Taking steps to combat the nation's hunger problem, the federal government introduced six hearty new "Sizzlin' Skillet" breakfasts... more»
Skittish Juniors-Department Clerk Calls Security Again

issue 3609 | 03.15.00 | News In Brief

TALLAHASSEE, FL–Barb Leland, 51, a newly hired clerk in the JCPenney juniors department, called security for the third time in three days Monday.... more»
Sitcom On PBS Assumed To Be Intellectual

issue 3609 | 03.15.00 | News In Brief

SALINAS, CA–Assuming the program to be an intellectually enriching treasure trove of highbrow delights, PBS viewer Ross Waymer immersed himself... more»
Racist Merely Misspoke

issue 3609 | 03.15.00 | News In Brief

HOLLY SPRINGS, MS–Apologizing for any misunderstanding, Holly Springs councilman Knox Jeffries explained Monday that he "merely misspoke" when he... more»
Terrifying Mutation Killing Off U.S. Cabinet Members One At A Time

issue 3609 | 03.15.00 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–The slime-covered body of Commerce Secretary William Daley was found in a cocoon in the White House Monday, bringing the number of... more»
National Interest In Anything Hovering Around 3 Percent

issue 3609 | 03.15.00 | News In Brief

PRINCETON, NJ–A Gallup poll released Monday reveals that only 3 percent of Americans describe themselves as "interested" or "very interested" in... more»
Inhibitions Dropped After First Sip Of Beer

issue 3609 | 03.15.00 | News In Brief

TEMPE, AZ–At a house party Saturday, Arizona State University sophomore Lisa Burrell let go of her inhibitions after a single sip of beer. "Jeff,... more»
Pederast Judge Tries 11-Year-Old As Adult

issue 3609 | 03.15.00 | News In Photos
Baby-Shower Attendees Quickly Drain Box Of White Zinfandel

issue 3609 | 03.15.00 | News In Photos
You Sure As Hell Don't Want To Take The River Road Exit

issue 3609 | 03.15.00 | Commentary

Cedarburg? Yep, that's around here. Lost? Thought so. Saw you driving around a couple of times. Took the River Road exit, didn't you? Well, if you're... more»
Readers' Inquiries Answered

issue 3609 | 03.15.00 | Columnists

Every so often, I have my man-servant Standish bring a satchel of readers' letters to my bed-chamber. I like to acquaint my-self with the diverse... more»
Cash-Room Bitch Be Havin' My Shortie

issue 3609 | 03.15.00 | Columnists

Heads up, y'all: Tha H-Dog's wildin' days be OVA. Now, I still be keepin' it real as tha Accountz Reeceevable Supervisa at Midstate Office Supply, so... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 15, 2000

issue 3609 | 03.15.00 | Horoscopes

Your promise to be "the best sister in the world" if God saves your pet hamster is complicated by the fact that you have no siblings, you... more»
The Ecstasy Boom

issue 3609 | 03.15.00 | Infographic

Once confined to the realm of underground rave culture, ecstasy is spreading to Middle America. Why is this mildly psychedelic drug suddenly... more»
Most Popular St. Patrick's Day Expressions

issue 3609 | 03.15.00 | Statshot
Flooding In Mozambique

issue 3609 | 03.15.00 | What Do You Think?

Four weeks of severe flooding have left untold thousands dead and 240,000 homeless in Mozambique, with still more rain expected. What do you... more»