Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 22, 2000 - March 28, 2000 | Issue 36•10

Diversity Celebrated With Compulsory Luncheon

WAUKESHA, WI–Ethnic diversity within the ranks of Milwaukee Electric & Gas was celebrated Monday with a catered, compulsory all-staff luncheon in the seventh-floor conference room of the company's suburban Milwaukee headquarters. "Come to Room 711 at noon and celebrate the wonderful diversity of both our company and the public it serves!" read a morning memo...

Gore Already Regretting Promise To Help Clinton Move Out

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–President Clinton is still 10 months away from leaving the White House, but Al Gore is already regretting his promise to help him... more»
Majestic Lowland Gorilla Exploited For Comic Effect

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | News

CENTURY CITY, CA–The serene, awe-inspiring majesty of the lowland gorilla, one of nature's proudest and most powerful creatures, was compromised... more»
Apartment Full Of Jesus Stuff Brings Date To Screeching Halt

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | News

PAWTUCKET, RI–A first date that "actually seemed to be going pretty well" came to a screeching halt Saturday, when area resident Kyle Richman... more»
Lack Of Second Car Preserves Marriage

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | News

CHICKASAW, AL–Though they've weathered some rocky times during their five years of marriage, Dale and Sheila Hefko have managed to stay together.... more»
Area Man's Got A Ton Of Shit On His Mind Right Now, Okay?

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES–Look, just give Bill Turlington a break, okay? The 35-year-old L.A. advertising executive is buried up to his neck in shit right now,... more»
Parents Of 6-Year-Old Sorely Regretting Purchase Of Knock-Knock-Joke Book

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | News In Brief

MERCER ISLAND, WA–Just four days after giving their 6-year-old son Tanner a copy of 1,001 Silliest Knock-Knock Jokes In The World, Kevin and... more»
Local Woman Has Story About How She Got These Shoes

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | News In Brief

NATICK, MA–Mandy Walters has an interesting story about how she got these shoes, the Boston-area file clerk said Monday. "Okay, I'm driving to my... more»
German Auto Engineer Issued Lab Coat

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | News In Brief

ELDORF, GERMANY–Karl Meine, a new engineer at BMW, was issued a white lab coat Monday, giving him the air of a man at the forefront of German... more»
FCC Passes Mandatory Garofalo/Griffin Guest-Appearance Regulation

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–Motivated by recent Janeane Garofalo and/or Kathy Griffin appearances on The Sopranos, 3rd Rock From The Sun, The... more»
Victoria's Secret Also Andrew's Secret

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | News In Photos
Elderly Patient Threatened With Suppository

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | News In Photos
At Work I'm A Prostitute, But At Home I'm Just Mom

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | Commentary

When I'm at work, I go by lots of names: "baby," "honey," "bitch," "slut," "cum dumpster." A small handful of johns even call me by my street name,... more»
You Do Not Deserve Me

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | Columnists

It has been brought to my attention that there are some members of my porcine reader-ship herd who do not realize that my column is the jewel in the... more»
I Customized My Wheels

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. Whaddya say? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been real busy. First off, I got a new job at a hospital doing... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 22, 2000

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | Horoscopes

Your birthday this week will result in yet another disappointing and under-attended party. more»
Census 2000

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | Infographic

What is the government doing to encourage people to fill out the Census? more»
Leading Cause Of Death Among Sea-Monkeys

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | Statshot
Clinton Vs. The NRA

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | What Do You Think?

In recent weeks, President Clinton and the National Rifle Association have been at war over the issue of gun control. What do you think? more»
Smart Stock-Market Investing

issue 3610 | 03.22.00 | Tips

Invest everything in Morton Salt, then run around screaming, "The Slug-men are coming! The Slug-men are coming!" more»