Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 5, 2000 - April 11, 2000 | Issue 36•12

'Peeing Calvin' Decals Now Recognized As Vital Channel Of National Discourse

Throughout its 224-year history, America has had many channels of discourse, its citizens expressing themselves by means ranging from pamphlets to protests, newspaper editorials to televised debates. In recent years, however, a significant new avenue of expression has emerged: "Peeing Calvin" decals. Originally appearing on trucks as a salvo in the age-old Ford-Chevy...

Funyuns Still Outselling Responsibilityuns

issue 3612 | 04.05.00 | News

DALLAS—Funyuns continues to enjoy an "overwhelming sales lead" over competing brand Responsibilityuns, reports Impulse Purchase Quarterly. more»
U.S. Population At 13,462

issue 3612 | 04.05.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–With the April 1 deadline for returning Census 2000 forms finally passed, the Bureau of the Census announced Monday that the U.S.... more»
Attempt To Impress Becky Lundegaard Undermined By Interloper

issue 3612 | 04.05.00 | News

HAMPTON, VA–An attempt by Brian Shuman, 12, to impress fellow seventh-grader Becky Lundegaard, 13, met with spectacular failure Monday, when his... more»
Area Man Only Reads Books About Movies, TV, Music

issue 3612 | 04.05.00 | News

GLENDALE, AZ—When Matt Kaiser gets tired of watching TV, he likes to curl up on the couch and escape into a good book about TV. more»
Kitchen Staff Warned Not To Make Fun Of Regional Manager

issue 3612 | 04.05.00 | News In Brief

TRAVERSE CITY, MI–Shift manager Dennis Brandt issued a stern warning to his Bennigan's crew Monday not to make fun of visiting regional manager... more»
Clinton Fumbles With Submarine Controls; 'Everything's In German!' He Shouts

issue 3612 | 04.05.00 | News In Brief

SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTH SEA–His hand-picked mob of go-to-hell leathernecks counting on him for their very survival, President Clinton tried... more»
Man Carefully Selects T-Shirt For Night Out

issue 3612 | 04.05.00 | News In Brief

WILMINGTON, NC–After nearly half an hour of trying on different T-shirts, Wilmington resident Larry Goltz finally settled on a black Peterbilt... more»
Last Month Apparently Women's History Month

issue 3612 | 04.05.00 | News In Brief

ATLANTA–According to an ad in a March issue of Bon Appetit magazine lying around dermatologist Dr. Ira Haas' waiting room, March was,... more»
World Covers Ears, Chants Loudly As EPA Releases Ozone-Depletion Statistics

issue 3612 | 04.05.00 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–The EPA released an alarming set of findings on global ozone depletion Monday, prompting the world's six billion inhabitants to... more»
Inflatable Chair's Novelty Wears Off

issue 3612 | 04.05.00 | News In Photos
Guy At House Party Must Be At Least 32

issue 3612 | 04.05.00 | News In Photos
Sometimes I Wish My Legs Had Never Been Crushed By That Train

issue 3612 | 04.05.00 | Commentary

Most of the time, I'm pretty happy with my life. I've got a nice apartment, a few really good friends, and a good job. That's more than a lot of... more»
Bereaved

issue 3612 | 04.05.00 | Columnists

I hope you are all sitting down, because I have some-thing terrible to impart. No, the President was not assassinated. If only that were the case!... more»
I Can't Believe I Missed The Oscars!

issue 3612 | 04.05.00 | Columnists

What sort of entertainment journalist am I? I was all psyched for the Oscars this year, as I am every year. Would Gwenth Paltrow... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 5, 2000

issue 3612 | 04.05.00 | Horoscopes

You are loyal, friendly, and an excellent companion. This is not because you are an Aries, but because you are a purebred Sealyham Terrier. more»
USA Today Redesign

issue 3612 | 04.05.00 | Infographic

For the first time in its history, USA Today is undergoing a major redesign. What are some of the changes in store for readers? more»
What Is Robin Williams Nicknaming His Genitalia?

issue 3612 | 04.05.00 | Statshot
The Ten Commandments

issue 3612 | 04.05.00 | What Do You Think?

Legislatures in 12 states have taken measures this year to permit the display of the Ten Commandments in public schools and buildings. What do you... more»