Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 19, 2000 - April 25, 2000 | Issue 36•14

Congress Wonders If It's Even Making A Difference Anymore

WASHINGTON, DC–With their second session well underway, members of the 106th U.S. Congress have fallen into a deep emotional malaise, openly questioning their effectiveness and ultimate usefulness to the nation. "I dunno," U.S. Rep. Charles Stenholm (D-TX) said. "What's the point? Why make all these new laws, when the ones we've already passed haven't made a bit of...

Federal Judge Rules Parker Brothers Holds Monopoly Monopoly

issue 3614 | 04.19.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–In a landmark antitrust decision, U.S. District Judge Thomas Nance ruled Monday that Parker Brothers' controlling interest in the... more»
Mid-Level Manager Forced To Find Out Who Isn't Flushing The Toilet

issue 3614 | 04.19.00 | News

DOVER, DE–Bill Tepfer, an associate service-department manager at Shademaster Tent & Awning Supply, was ordered by his supervisor Monday to... more»
Area Man Creeped Out By Request To 'Make Love'

issue 3614 | 04.19.00 | News

WINSTON-SALEM, NC–A half-naked Patrick Fuller was thoroughly creeped out Saturday, when fellow Wake Forest University senior Alicia Echols... more»
Hotshot Test Pilot Removes Helmet, Reveals Female Status

issue 3614 | 04.19.00 | News In Brief

SHEPPARD AFB, TX–"Corporal Green," an enigmatic but brilliant Air Force test pilot, was revealed to be a woman Monday, when she removed her flight... more»
New 'Time' To Keep Everything From Happening At Once

issue 3614 | 04.19.00 | News In Brief

CAMBRIDGE, MA–On what is now known as "Monday," a team of MIT scientists unveiled "time," a revolutionary new event-sequencing protocol which... more»
Waiter Seriously Needs His Apps

issue 3614 | 04.19.00 | News In Brief

INDEPENDENCE, MO–Twenty minutes after turning in table eight's order, T.G.I.Friday's waiter Eric Porcher announced Monday that he seriously needs... more»
Teen Breaks Rules In Socially Accepted Ways

issue 3614 | 04.19.00 | News In Brief

HACIENDA HEIGHTS, CA–Daniel Lindblad, 15, openly flouts societal conventions in a manner that will not get him in trouble, it was reported Monday.... more»
Report: Most Terrorists Do Not Start The Day Off With A Good Breakfast

issue 3614 | 04.19.00 | News In Brief

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND–In a report that is prompting some to rethink the causes of terrorism, the World Health Organization announced Monday that a... more»
New Spiritually Correct Doll Lets Children Show Where And How Jesus Touched Them

issue 3614 | 04.19.00 | News In Photos
Jesse Helms Treed By Coon Hounds

issue 3614 | 04.19.00 | News In Photos
I'm Not A Wino, I'm A 'Why-Yes'!

issue 3614 | 04.19.00 | Commentary

I've sucked down a lot of booze in my 42 years. A hell of a lot. In fact, some would go so far as to call me a wino. But I've got no time for that... more»
Watching N. Aeschylus Grow

issue 3614 | 04.19.00 | Columnists

It is a bitter-sweet season at the Zweibel mansion. Though my sweet betrothed, Miss Bernadette Fiske, has perished from a swooning fit brought on by... more»
Jean Teasdale Living

issue 3614 | 04.19.00 | Columnists

Well, Jeanketeers, I've got a confession to make: For a while there, I wasn't following my trusty old axiom, "Keep smiling!" In fact, you could say... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 19, 2000

issue 3614 | 04.19.00 | Horoscopes

Though you insist you can stop drinking whenever you want, the truth is, you can't seem to function without five or six pints of water a day. more»
The Columbine Legacy

issue 3614 | 04.19.00 | Infographic

April 20 marks the one-year anniversary of the Columbine High School shooting. What is the legacy of this tragedy? more»
What Are We Dipping Our Snack Foods In?

issue 3614 | 04.19.00 | Statshot
The Clinton-DiCaprio Summit

issue 3614 | 04.19.00 | What Do You Think?

Leonardo DiCaprio recently conducted an interview with President Clinton for ABC. The interview, slated to air April 22, has outraged ABC News... more»