Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 26, 2000 - May 2, 2000 | Issue 36•15

Area Woman Offended For Fourth Time In One Day

BROOKLINE, MA–Irene Fowles was offended by a telemarketer who called during the dinner hour Tuesday, raising the total number of times the 56-year-old homemaker had been offended that day to four. "I simply could not believe the nerve of that so-and-so, calling just as my husband and I were finally sitting down to the nice meal I had prepared," Fowles told reporters...

Dave Stenulson Calls For Greater Recognition Of Stenulson-Americans

issue 3615 | 04.26.00 | News

SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH–At a living-room press conference Monday, Dave Stenulson, founder and president of the National Association For The Advancement... more»
Mountain Dew Users May Go On To Use Harder Beverages

issue 3615 | 04.26.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Mountain Dew sends young people down a dangerous path that could even lead to Jolt or Surge. more»
Neighbors Believed Murderer Only Capable Of Rape

issue 3615 | 04.26.00 | News

BEDFORD, VA–John Smith's April 25 murder of local teens Amy and Emily Dutler has sent shockwaves through this tight-knit community in the foothills... more»
Ammonia-Factory Leak Exposes Texas Town To Mexican Working Conditions

issue 3615 | 04.26.00 | News In Brief

BROWNSVILLE, TX–A toxic-chemical leak at a Brownsville ammonia plant sent workers running for their lives Monday, exposing the city to deadly... more»
Boyfriend Vows To Try Harder

issue 3615 | 04.26.00 | News In Brief

BREMERTON, WA–Area resident Len Wallace made a solemn vow Monday to girlfriend Mindy Ellis that he would try much, much harder. "I've just been... more»
Pyramid Scheme 'Not A Pyramid Scheme'

issue 3615 | 04.26.00 | News In Brief

HARTFORD, CT–Despite its expansion-driven profit structure and multilevel-marketing format, the "Cash-4-All" pyramid scheme is not a pyramid... more»
Teen Male Vaguely Unnerved By Nude Pantyhose Rack At Kmart

issue 3615 | 04.26.00 | News In Brief

OWINGS MILLS, MD–Unable to pinpoint the precise source of his disquietude, 13-year-old Brian Wilmot was "kinda creeped out" by a local Kmart's... more»
Country Singer Trying To Think Of Rhyme For 'Shove You'

issue 3615 | 04.26.00 | News In Brief

GREEN BRIER, TN–Country singer Ricky Lee Dean, nearing completion of a new song, reported Monday that he is struggling to find a rhyme for "shove... more»
Federal Troops Seize Neglected Child In Pre-Dawn Raid

issue 3615 | 04.26.00 | News In Brief

YPSILANTI, MI–Acting under orders from U.S. Health And Human Services Secretary Donna Shalala, a battalion of heavily armed federal officers seized... more»
Clinton Becomes First President To Clear 18 Feet In Pole Vault

issue 3615 | 04.26.00 | News In Photos
Rare Quarter Worth 26 Cents

issue 3615 | 04.26.00 | News In Photos
Why Haven't There Been Any Good Father-Son Mind-Transfer Comedies Lately?

issue 3615 | 04.26.00 | Commentary

I know what you're thinking: not another lecture about how Hollywood has lost its way, and the studios don't know how to make a winning picture... more»
I Like This 'T-Shirt' Fashion

issue 3615 | 04.26.00 | Columnists

In my study yesterday, I watched my beautiful son N. Aeschylus melt his play-things with intense beams of light that shot from his eyes. Precocious... more»
Keep An Eye Out For Pigs!

issue 3615 | 04.26.00 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have been a mess around Rancho Anchower. For one thing, I got fed up with... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 26, 2000

issue 3615 | 04.26.00 | Horoscopes

Your simple, pious life as a devout Lutheran is marred only by the giant talking Saint Bernard who seems to follow you everywhere. more»
Elian's Schedule - 4/21/00

issue 3615 | 04.26.00 | Infographic

What was 6-year-old Elian Gonzalez doing the day before he was seized by federal agents? more»
Top Words Causing Giggles Among Pre-Teens

issue 3615 | 04.26.00 | Statshot
Third World Debt Relief

issue 3615 | 04.26.00 | What Do You Think?

An estimated 10,000 people descended upon World Bank and IMF meetings in Washington last week, demanding debt relief for impoverished Third World... more»