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May 3, 2000 - May 9, 2000 | Issue 36•16

Mistranslated Myths Of Nomadic Desert Shepherd Tribe Taken At Face Value

PITTSBURGH, PA–Arcane, poorly translated scrolls etched by an unknown hand thousands of years ago were taken at face value Monday, when Pittsburgh orthodontist Donald Reuss consulted an English translation of a Hebraic manuscript titled "Deuteronomy" for guidance in a personal crisis. "I was at my wits' end over what to do about my failing marriage," Reuss said....

Coalition Of Developmentally Disabled Adults Demands Trip To McDonald's

issue 3616 | 05.03.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Chanting, "We want McDonald's!" in relative unison, representatives of the American Association of Developmentally Disabled Adults... more»
American People To Live Happily Ever After

issue 3616 | 05.03.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton announced that the Bad Times are over, and we all shall live happily forever and ever. more»
Internet Opens Up Whole New World Of Illness For Local Hypochondriac

issue 3616 | 05.03.00 | News

MERIDEN, CT–All her life, Janet Hartley has suffered from a host of ill-defined viruses and inexplicable aches and pains, diagnosing herself with... more»
Clinton Consults Surgeon General On Behalf Of Friend Curious About Homosexuality

issue 3616 | 05.03.00 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–President Clinton spent several hours behind closed doors Monday with Surgeon General David Satcher on behalf of an unidentified... more»
Pizza Hut Employee Still Hanging Around After Shift

issue 3616 | 05.03.00 | News In Brief

DYERSBURG, TN–Pizza Hut employee Larry Peete, 24, continued to hang around the restaurant for nearly an hour after his shift ended Monday. "He was... more»
Area Man Has Own Version Of Neighborhood-Watch Program

issue 3616 | 05.03.00 | News In Brief

ATTLEBORO, MA–Fred Parisi has his own version of a neighborhood-watch program, the 53-year-old Attleboro resident reported Tuesday. "I try to keep... more»
Sports Section Tragically Missing

issue 3616 | 05.03.00 | News In Brief

HAMILTON, OH–According to bathroom-bound Carlson & Streed Advertising executive Geoff Kimble, the sports section of Monday's Cincinnati Post... more»
Student Snaps Awake Upon Hearing Word 'Hydroponics'

issue 3616 | 05.03.00 | News In Brief

COLLEGE STATION, TX–Texas A&M sophomore Bryan Datillo was jolted from a light sleep during a Botany 101 lecture Monday, when his professor,... more»
Group Of Girls Directs Would-Be Suitor Toward Least Attractive Member

issue 3616 | 05.03.00 | News In Brief

MISSION HILLS, KS–A group of 16-year-old girls skillfully redirected the amorous advances of fellow teen Michael Weigand toward Aimee Collinsworth,... more»
Guy Totally Looked Like Chick From Behind

issue 3616 | 05.03.00 | News In Photos
Disembodied Voice In Elevator Wants To Know Way To San Jose

issue 3616 | 05.03.00 | News In Photos
This New Toilet Paper Is So Soft And Absorbent!

issue 3616 | 05.03.00 | Commentary

You probably won't believe me when I tell you that new Cushy™-brand bathroom tissue is the softest, most absorbent bathroom tissue... more»
Oh, My God—The Baby!

issue 3616 | 05.03.00 | Commentary

One year ago today, after years of trying, my husband Michael and I finally became parents of a beautiful, precious baby girl. A baby was what we... more»
My Funerary Revisions

issue 3616 | 05.03.00 | Columnists

When a gentle-man reaches a certain age, he realizes that he must make preparations for the day he will finally pass from this world. For myself,... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 3, 2000

issue 3616 | 05.03.00 | Horoscopes

You will lose all credibility when it is revealed that, contrary to your claims, your life is not based on a true story. more»
Vietnam At 25

issue 3616 | 05.03.00 | Infographic

April 30 marked the 25th anniversary of the end of the Vietnam War. How was the event commemorated? more»
Does This Shirt Make Me Look Gay?

issue 3616 | 05.03.00 | Statshot
Vermont OKs Gay Marriage

issue 3616 | 05.03.00 | What Do You Think?

Last week, Vermont became the first state to legally recognize same-sex marriages. What do you think about this historic legislation? more»