Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 17, 2000 - May 23, 2000 | Issue 36•18

Bodybuilder Extensively Explains Difference Between Bodybuilding, Weightlifting

GLENDALE, AZ–Clarifying a common misconception about "two very distinct sports," bodybuilder Glen Tuttle extensively explained the difference between bodybuilding and weight training Monday. "It's a frequent assumption that weightlifting and bodybuilding are one and the same," Tuttle, 41, told Perry Sarkes, a sales associate at Oshman's, a sporting-goods store at...

Kid Rock Starves To Death

issue 3618 | 05.17.00 | News

LOS ANGELES–MP3 piracy of copyrighted music claimed another victim Monday, when the emaciated body of rock-rap superstar Kid Rock was found on the... more»
Woman Who 'Loves Brazil' Has Only Seen Four Square Miles Of It

issue 3618 | 05.17.00 | News

WILKES-BARRE, PA–Joan Pavlik, a 49-year-old Wilkes-Barre dental hygienist, is "completely in love with Brazil," despite the fact that she has only... more»
Employee Forced To Appear In Training Video

issue 3618 | 05.17.00 | News

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Stock boy Dave Willis was subjected to embarrassment beyond the usual humiliation of mopping and shelving. more»
Five-Year-Old Convinced Dinosaur Bones Are Buried In Backyard

issue 3618 | 05.17.00 | News In Brief

TACOMA, WA–Amateur archaeologist Joshua Bushnell, 5, announced Monday that he is certain that the remains of a dinosaur are buried in the Bushnell... more»
New Partially Digested Doritos Eliminate Tedious Chewing

issue 3618 | 05.17.00 | News In Brief

DALLAS–At a press conference Monday, Frito-Lay unveiled "Doritos Soft," an exciting new partially digested version of the popular snack chip. "Now... more»
Villagers Turned Into Crack Fighting Squad Overnight

issue 3618 | 05.17.00 | News In Brief

SILVER GULCH, NV–The good, God-fearing people of Silver Gulch, a sleepy frontier town known primarily for its pleasant annual Founder's Festival... more»
Relationship Based On Mutual Love Of Woodcrafts

issue 3618 | 05.17.00 | News In Brief

NEW CASTLE, IN–Jonathan and Tamara Wilcox, married for six years, have built a rewarding, loving relationship on the solid foundation of a shared... more»
Archangels Already Sick Of Cardinal O'Connor Telling Them How They Do It In New York

issue 3618 | 05.17.00 | News In Brief

HEAVEN–Less than two weeks after his passage into God's Eternal Kingdom, Cardinal John O'Connor is already irritating the Archangels with his... more»
Top Cute

issue 3618 | 05.17.00 | News In Photos
Sentient Couch Thinks It Would Look Good Over By The Window

issue 3618 | 05.17.00 | News In Photos
That Teen-Abstinence Rally Totally Rocked!

issue 3618 | 05.17.00 | Commentary

Wow, what a weekend! They say that part of being a teenager is knowing how to cut loose, and there's nothing quite like getting together with a big... more»
So My Readers Wish Me Dead

issue 3618 | 05.17.00 | Columnists

I am informed by The Onion Editorial Board that the mountain of mail calling for my death is increasing once again. This is nothing new, as it... more»
The Future Will Be A Totalitarian Government Dystopia vs. The Future Will Be A Privatized Corporate Dystopia

issue 3618 | 05.17.00 | Point-Counterpoint

I am sad to say that for all our efforts in the name of freedom, the future shall be a bleak one, indeed. Such visionary authors as George Orwell and... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 17, 2000

issue 3618 | 05.17.00 | Horoscopes

Your death will not be in vain, as it will give the hero a chance to say, "Now, that's what I call using your head." more»
Battlefield Earth Fever

issue 3618 | 05.17.00 | Infographic

Battlefield Earth, based on the L. Ron Hubbard book, is one of America's hottest movies. What is it appeal? more»
Top Reasons For U.S. Divorce

issue 3618 | 05.17.00 | Statshot
Breast-Implant Dangers

issue 3618 | 05.17.00 | What Do You Think?

Last week, the FDA ruled that the two leading brands of saline breast implants are safe enough to stay on the market despite "relatively high" risks... more»