Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 24, 2000 - May 30, 2000 | Issue 36•19

Slightly Upset Woman Declared Insane

NORTH CALDWELL, NJ–Area resident Gayle Wenzel, 44, was declared legally insane Monday after becoming upset over a living-room mess caused by her husband Milt's Friday-night get-together with friends. "Apparently, Gayle came home after being gone all weekend, saw the condition of the living room, and just completely lost it," said Dr. Marvin Schaffer, director of...

Twelve Customers Gunned Down In Convenience-Store Clerk's Imagination

issue 3619 | 05.24.00 | News

CLACKAMAS, OR—Stop ‘N’ Shop clerk Justin Fonseca shot and killed 12 customers during a homicidal daydream Monday. more»
U.S. No Longer Responsible For Lost Or Stolen Items

issue 3619 | 05.24.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Holding aloft a box of unclaimed coats, wallets, and in-line skates labeled "Cincinnati," Secretary of the Interior Bruce Babbitt... more»
Canadian Girlfriend Unsubstantiated

issue 3619 | 05.24.00 | News

BEMIDJI, MN–Despite his insistence, Timothy Woronoff has been unable to substantiate his longstanding claim that he has a girlfriend in Canada,... more»
Overweight Man To Lose Weight If He Gets Really Overweight

issue 3619 | 05.24.00 | News In Brief

CARROLTON, OH–Area resident David Schuitt, who at 250 pounds is approximately 70 pounds overweight, announced Monday that he will go on a diet if... more»
Awestruck Video-Game Fan Describes Brush With PlayStation 2

issue 3619 | 05.24.00 | News In Brief

UPPER DARBY, PA–Trembling in an ecstatic, quasi-religious state of rapture, video-game enthusiast Josh Eigert, 23, spent nearly 40 minutes Monday... more»
Nothing Going Right For Area Surgeon Today

issue 3619 | 05.24.00 | News In Brief

NEW YORK–Dr. Sidney Kramer, chief of cardiac surgery at Lenox Hill Hospital, is having "one of those days," he confided to a colleague Monday. "I... more»
TV Executive Claims To Be Looking For Edgy

issue 3619 | 05.24.00 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Michael Wilhoyte, NBC's vice-president of programming, made the specious claim Monday that he is seeking "edgy, push-the-envelope new... more»
Atheist Swayed By Claymation Story Of Christ

issue 3619 | 05.24.00 | News In Brief

GRAND ISLAND, NE–Atheist Marcia Prewitt was converted to a life of devotion to the Lord following Sunday's viewing of the claymation movie The... more»
Area Cat Allergic To Kevin Strenlow Dander

issue 3619 | 05.24.00 | News In Brief

PROVO, UT–Area housecat Tibbles, 3, has an intolerance to the dander of owner Kevin Strenlow, sources reported Monday. "Tibbles can't get too close... more»
Earliest Known T-Shirt Found

issue 3619 | 05.24.00 | News In Photos
Model To Give Acting A Shot

issue 3619 | 05.24.00 | News In Photos
Even Though I'd Never Seen Major League, I Found Major League II Surprisingly Easy To Follow

issue 3619 | 05.24.00 | Commentary

Whew, what a relief. I hate when I can't follow a film, and I was afraid it'd happen again Friday night. But, to my delight, I was able to fully... more»
A Drama In Three Acts

issue 3619 | 05.24.00 | Columnists

To my universally celebrated works of drama, The Happy Bed-Chamber and The News-Paper Man And The Elves, I would like to add my third... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 24, 2000

issue 3619 | 05.24.00 | Horoscopes

Narrow-mindedness and jealousy on the part of your coworkers will lead them to denounce your neckties. more»
Britney's Back

issue 3619 | 05.24.00 | Infographic

Millions of teenagers converged on the nation's record stores May 16 for the release of Oops!... I Did It Again, pop superstar Britney Spear's... more»
Top Cannes Contenders

issue 3619 | 05.24.00 | Statshot
Rudy Drops Out

issue 3619 | 05.24.00 | What Do You Think?

Last Friday, Rudolph Giuliani shook up the New York Senate race when he announced that he would not run against Hillary Clinton due to his recently... more»
Planning A Family Vacation

issue 3619 | 05.24.00 | Tips

Summer is just around the corner, and that means one thing: family vacations. Here are some tips to make your brood's next trip a success: more»