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May 31, 2000 - June 6, 2000 | Issue 36•20

Five Or Six Dudes Jump Out Of Nowhere And Just Start Whaling On This One Guy

BOULDER, CO–Shock and disbelief were the prevailing reactions Monday, when pizza-delivery guy Lyle Kelso, 24, reported to roommates that at around 2 or 3 a.m., he personally witnessed, like, five or six dudes suddenly jump out of freakin' nowhere and just start totally...

Raccoon Leaders Call For Loosening Of Garbage-Can Lids

issue 3620 | 05.31.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a 4 a.m. speech, the North American Raccoon Federation demanded greater access to discarded food scraps. more»
Apartment-Wide Porn Sweep Precedes Date's Arrival

issue 3620 | 05.31.00 | News

BETHPAGE, NY–Preparing for the arrival of dinner date Amanda Raskin, area resident Randy Thaler conducted a thorough porn sweep of his one-bedroom... more»
High-School Senior Amazed By Coolness Of University Of Wisconsin-Whitewater

issue 3620 | 05.31.00 | News

MENOMONEE FALLS, WI–Chris Knopecke, a senior at Menomonee Falls High School, declared the University of Wisconsin at Whitewater "awesome" Monday,... more»
Woman Apologizes For What Appears To Be Clean House

issue 3620 | 05.31.00 | News In Brief

PAWTUCKET, RI–For no apparent reason, Pawtucket resident Estelle Scheide, 53, apologized to houseguests Tuesday for the "terribly messy" condition... more»
Toys 'R' Us Sign Triggers Pavlovian Shrieking Response In Child

issue 3620 | 05.31.00 | News In Brief

FREDERICK, MD–A Pavlovian response mechanism was triggered in Jamie Bolz Monday, when the 5-year-old reflexively shrieked at the top of his lungs... more»
Conversation With Boss Puts Man An Hour Behind

issue 3620 | 05.31.00 | News In Brief

CHICAGO–A conversation with his boss set Latham, Towson & Green marketing executive Alex Henkel back an hour Monday. "Jesus, I'm gonna be here... more»
MIT Physicists Split The Smithereen

issue 3620 | 05.31.00 | News In Brief

CAMBRIDGE, MA–A team of MIT physicists announced Monday that they have successfully split the smithereen, heretofore considered the smallest... more»
Area Man Coughs To Let Others Know He's In Bathroom

issue 3620 | 05.31.00 | News In Brief

ATLANTA–Seeking to break the tension and inform others that he was in the bathroom, Barnes & Noble men's-room- stall occupant Larry Ardell coughed... more»
Clinton Goes On Fun Plane Ride

issue 3620 | 05.31.00 | News In Brief

LISBON, PORTUGAL–President Clinton deplaned from Air Force One excited and thrilled Monday following a fun plane ride from Washington to Lisbon for... more»
You Can Tell Area Bank Used To Be A Pizza Hut

issue 3620 | 05.31.00 | News In Photos
Sierra Leone Burns Down

issue 3620 | 05.31.00 | News In Photos
Genocide Is Such A Harsh Word

issue 3620 | 05.31.00 | Commentary

We're all adults here. Can we please conduct this U.N. tribunal without stooping to using that loaded, pejorative term? Yes, as leader of the Kunhing... more»
Advice For Gentle-Men

issue 3620 | 05.31.00 | Columnists

My considerable ire was raised yet again this past week when I was subjected to the ignominy of an intrusion on my privacy, conducted by means of the... more»
Praise The Lord... And Pass The Chocolate!

issue 3620 | 05.31.00 | Columnists

Hey, Jeanketeers, remember in my last column, how I said I was going to tell hubby Rick about my decision to retire from the workaday world and... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 31, 2000

issue 3620 | 05.31.00 | Horoscopes

You will suddenly, mercifully pass away during your dinner date's lecture on the spathic qualities of igneous rocks. more»
U.S.-China Trade Pact

issue 3620 | 05.31.00 | Infographic

On May24, the U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill granting China permanent favorable trade status. What are some of the expected... more»
Top U.S. Delusional Beliefs

issue 3620 | 05.31.00 | Statshot
Federal Security Breaches

issue 3620 | 05.31.00 | What Do You Think?

Last week, it was reported that federal investigators carrying fake law-enforcement credentials were able to penetrate security at 21 government... more»